She says she's just a girl...

what a friend

2009-03-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, and I'm really sleepy so this isn't going to be much at all.

We sang this hymn at church today and it really got me thinking. The very first verse says "All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer" and I thought, well gee, I pray about the things I struggle with all the time and it just doesn't seem to get much easier. I still struggle with those things and I still fall flat on my face just as often, so how come God's not helping me? And then God said, "but HOW are you praying?" I realized that my prayers are generally me asking God what I can do to fix the problem. What do I need to do about this thing? What do I need to do to overcome this temptation? What do I need to do to get better in this area of my life? How come I screwed up again? How can I discipline myself to bear this thing? I'm constantly asking Him those kinds of questions and constantly thinking about ways to "be better" when I really need to be asking Him to change my heart. I need to pray that He'll liberate me from the chains that bind me, not that He'll teach me how to liberate myself.. Ya know? I think that's often a misconception that a lot of Christians have today. We treat God like a teacher and a guide, but rarely as our surgeon. We want God to tell us how to fix our problems, but we don't want Him to actually do the work in our souls. We want to do it ourselves (or maybe it's just me, who knows?). I mean, imagine if you had a severe heart problem requiring heart surgery and you went to your doctor and asked him to teach you how to perform open heart surgery with the intention of performing it yourself! That's ridiculous, yet it's so often the way we approach God. We want Him to just give us the tools, but we can't give up the control and trust Him to do the work in us.

Anyway, this is just what I was thinking about today. Seems like a pretty simple concept, but sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to put into practice.

Here's the song:

What a Friend We Have in Jesus

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

simplicity? maybe not.

2009-02-07T21:43:00.004-05:00

“When you look closely people are so strange & so complicated that they're actually beautiful.”
- Unknown

Simplicity. It's something I've blogged about a lot in the past. I'm always talking about how much I'd like to just live a simple life, how desirable that would be. In the past several days, however, I've been faced with a different way of looking at things.

For my English class we've been reading things from the Enlightenment Period such as Tartuffe, Gulliver's Travels, A Modest Proposal, etc. The Enlightenment Period was basically the time when people were having this great "awakening" and suddenly everything had to deal with reason, rather than faith, beliefs, emotions, or other "unscientific" ways of looking at life. In Gulliver's Travels, Gulliver encounters this interesting race called the Houyhnhnms, which are basically extremely advanced horses (they have their own language and have many of the skills that humans have). However, unlike humans, these horses are led completely by reason. They are 100% reasonable and rational and leave no room for emotions. They only do things that serve a purpose. In fact, one could say that they live a very simple life. No drama (they don't even understand the concept of lying and they never have wars), no complex relationships, no overabundance of possessions, etc. They all have exactly two children (sort of sounds like China) and if one family has two male children, they trade with someone else so that all the couples have exactly one male and one female. When someone dies, they just die. The end. No remorse, no mourning. Nothing. There are no emotions, no nothing.

In "A Modest Proposal," Swift sarcastically proposes eating young children/babies as a method of dealing with overpopulation. Although the entire thing is completely shocking and totally unrealistic, the most absurd part of the entire essay for me was that it actually made sense. I mean, if we had no emotions, no attachments, it would easily be the best solution. Life would be much more simple that way - everyone would have enough to eat, no overcrowding, the rich would have less power over the poor, yadda yadda.

But, in both of these situations, is that really what we'd like life to be like? At first, being reasonable and rational sounds really desirable, but after examining exactly what that entails, I think I'd rather just stick with being illogical sometimes and ruled by my emotions too much.

I went to the nursing home yesterday and visited my grandma and my great-grandpa. Again, I was confronted with an extremely simple life. As I was walking down the halls and looking in the rooms at all those people, it just hit me square in the face. These people are living a very simple life. They don't deal with having too much, they own exactly what they need to get by and that's it. They spend their days relaxing, resting, sleeping, playing cards if they feel well enough, talking to the nurses and each other, etc. They don't have to deal with drama, life is just very simple. But, let me tell you, as I was walking down the halls thinking about this, their life did not look appealing to me at all.

Suddenly, it just hit me. Maybe the whole magic of life is that it's NOT simple. Life is complex. That's exactly what makes it life. That's what makes us human beings. Animals live simple lives, the Houyhnhmns live simple lives, elderly people in rest homes live simple lives, but I don't think I want to live my life like that.

So, maybe, just maybe, all the complexities of life, all the struggles we go through, all the temptations we deal with, all the ways in which we can constantly be improving ourselves, maybe those are what make life what it is. Maybe life really is complicated, and my desire to live a simple life is merely one of the complexities and contradictions of this strange, confusing, yet wonderful thing called life.

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.
-Albert Einstein

I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
- Harry Emerson Fosdick

The real mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, it is a reality to be experienced.
- J.J. Van der Leeuw

time

2009-01-25T20:44:00.002-05:00

>>I spoke at Genesis tonight.. this was what I prepared<<

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21

I don't even know how many times I've heard someone say, if you want to know where your heart is, look at your checkbook. And it's true, what we spend the most money on is what we value the most. But, the interesting thing about this translation about this verse is that it says, where your treasure is, not where your money is. So, I want to take this verse in a bit of a different direction. Lately, one of the things that I value the most is my time. I never seem to have enough of it. If I have to sit too long at a redlight I get impatient, if my teacher lets me out of class ten minutes early I'm thrilled. So, rather than thinking about where my money is, I've decided to start taking a look at where my time is. Rather than making a monetary budget that's pleasing to God, I'm going to make a time budget that's pleasing to God.

So, first, I have a little activity to do. Make a list of all the thing that you do during a week. Every single thing from eating breakfast, driving to work, getting ready in the morning, watching tv, working, sleeping, cooking, cleaning, doing homework, running errands, etc. Whatever you do during the day that takes more than half an hour. Then, next to the things that you write down, I want you to write down how much time to spend doing this activity each week. So, for instance, I might write down sleep, and next to that I will wrote down 56, assuming I get 8 hours of sleep a night. Or I wrote down eating, and next to that how much time a week I spend eating my meals. When I did this, I tried to just stick to hour time blocks, but if you need to put in 30 minute time blocks, go ahead and do that. Once you get done, I want you to total all these up and see how many hours that gets you to.

Now, there are 168 hours in a week, so subtract your total from 168 and see what you come up with.

I've done this at different times in my life, and often I would finish totally up everything and still have an awful lot of time left over. It always astounded me that I had THAT much spare time and I couldn't figure out where it went. I did it again this past week and I actually came out to -5 hours spare hours a week, which was definitely not good news. However, it got me thinking about where and how I spend my time and already I've been trying to make some adjustments in my schedule so I can make room for the important things.

So here's what I would say. If you end up having a lot of spare time, then you need to figure out where that spare time goes and then maybe think about something more constructive that you can do with that time. What would God like you to be doing with that spare time? Is there something that you are passionate about that you don't do because you "don't have enough time" or is there something new you would like to try? Do you have some sort of devotional time with God each day? If not, why not? If you don't have any spare time, then maybe you need to look at what you need to cut back on. How are you overextending yourself and what can you do about that? Do you have some sort of devotional time with God already on your list? If not, then what areas do you need to cut back on so that you can make time for that priority?

"Finish your outdoor work and get your fields ready; after that, build your house."
- Proverbs 24:27

When I first read this verse, I thought about buying things on credit. It said to me, make sure your finances are in order before you start spending money on something like a house. Make sure you have your source of income taken care of before you start spending money. However, when I look at it in this context, it reminds me that I need to spend my time on things that will provide a source of profit (and I don't mean financially) before I spend my time on things that benefit me. So, before I decide to sit down and watch an hour of tv, I should be sure that I've spent time with God first, ya know?

In church this morning we talked about Psalm 127, and I particularly think verse 2 relates to this. It says:

"In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat -- for he grants sleep to those he loves."
- Psalm 127:2

This is particularly a message for those of us who have too much scheduled into our "time budget." God doesn't intend for us to be machines.

"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work -- this is a gift of God."
- Ecclesiastes 5:19

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil, this is the gift of God."
- Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

God did not intend for us to be exhausted individuals all the time. He did not make us to be workaholics. He intended for us to take time to enjoy the fruits of our labor. It's a gift from God when we are able to eat, drink, and find satisfaction in our work. So, if you don't have time to do that, you are depriving yourself of a gift from God. However, let me add this too, notice that it says to "be happy in his work" and "find satisfaction in all his toil." These verses are not get out of jail free cards. They don't mean that you can just be a lazy bum and not do anything, because God wants us to enjoy life. Eat, drink and be merry! Yes, he wants us to do those things, but God intends for us to work as well. Read through the book of Proverbs if you don't believe me. Just for example..

"How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?"
- Proverbs 6:9

Whether you are a workaholic or lazy or anything else.. there's something here for all of us I think.

There's so much than can be dealt with when you talk about time, but let me mention this too.

We're all pretty familiar with the concept of tithing our time, but I heard someone mention once that we should tithe every part of our lives, like our time for instance. With our money, we give the first 10%, but then we also expect that the rest of it goes to things that will be pleasing to God too. Things like food, gas, entertainment, housing, etc, etc. We can apply the same concept to "tithing" our time. We give the first 10% and then we let the rest be pleasing to God too. It's just spent a little differently. But, check this out. 10% of our time seems like a lot doesn't it? There are 168 hours in a week, so 10% of that is 16-17 hours. We have 24 hours in a day, so if we subtract 7-8 hours for sleep.. what do we end up with? 16-17 hours! Seems like tithing our time sounds an awful lot like observing a Sabbath once a week, doesn't it? Even more conveniently, Sunday is the first of our week, so if we just "tithe" the top 10% of our time each week, it would be just like observing the Sabbath. I didn't know that happened before just now. I had just also thought of tithing my time as 10% of each day, but if you look at it on a weekly basis, that's just the kind of "coincidence" that only God can design.

And if that's not enough and you need scriptural backing for that, look at the 4th commandment.

"Observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy, as the Lord your God has commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your ox, your donkey or any of your animals, nor the alien within your gates, so that your manservant and maidservant may rest, as you do. Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm. Therefore, the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day."
- Deuteronomy 5:12-15

God is very clear here. We are to observe the Sabbath. We are to rest, one day a week. We are to take a break from all of our work and rest. Now, the Israelites, being as confused as they generally were (not that we're any different), began to enforce that law a bit too strictly. When Jesus healed someone on the Sabbath they were furious. They counted their steps to make sure they didn't walk too far and accidentally do "work" on the Sabbath. Jesus picked a grain of wheat while walking through the fields and they got upset. To this, Jesus reminded them..

"Then he said to them, 'The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.'"
- Mark 2:27

Sabbath is a gift from God, not a punishment. So, either way you look at it, I really think taking one day off once a week should be one of our priorities. It doesn't have to be Sunday, but I do think it should be once every seven days. I've heard tons of excuses, but what it comes down to is whether or not you trust God enough to take that day off. That's why that last part is in there about remembering that God brought them out of Egypt. It's reminding them that God is all powerful and that if they are willing to trust Him, He will provide for them and bless their time and allow them to get everything done that they need to get done in only six days a week. It's really hard to get out of that mindset of "do, do, do" that our culture has pushed on us, but that's why it's such a sign of trust.

Really, applying the Biblical principles of money to our time fits really well. We give off the top, and God honors that sacrifice and trust by blessing us richly in return. I remember Dusty saying once how when he was spending a ton of time working at Genesis or something like that, he felt like he had all kinds of time. And Charlie was just reminding me the other night at the Momentum for Life small group that if I honor God by not cheating on the important things (like devotional time with Him), He will bless and multiply my time. And it's true.

For those of you that know me, you know I am terrible at overextending myself, but I have to tell you.. ever since I started taking time off on Sunday, things have gone smoother for me. There has never been a Monday when I didn't have homework done, and I still manage to get everything done that I need to during the week, AND I have the benefit of having an entire day each week to just relax and rest and stuff. It's really a huge blessing and one of the only things that keeps me sane.

So, see if you can arrange things so you can have a Sabbath once a week. It takes a lot of UMPH to get started, but once you do, you'll be glad you did.

The last thing that I really wanted to talk about was what we spend our time doing. Look at your list. What do you spend the most time doing? This sort of goes back to what Brad was talking about this morning. For me, sleep takes up more time than anything else, and then school closely follows that. What do you spend most of your time doing? Is it something you are passionate about? What about this question? What things are you passionate about? Are they on your list? Why not?

I don't really have a lot of answers about things, I mostly just have a lot of questions for you to think about. Only you know where you need to cut back, where you need to spend more time, what you need to change. But, if you are anything like me, analyzing where we spend our time is a very interesting exercise and it really does help you to think about things.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.
- Sydney J. Harris

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.
- Winnie the Pooh

Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work.
- Ralph Marston

“It's possible to forget how alive we really are. We can become dry and tired, just existing, instead of really living. We need to remind ourselves of the juice of life, and make that a habit. Find those places inside that jump for joy, and do things”
- Unknown

“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life and really enjoy it.
- Eileen Caddy

passions

2009-01-19T22:38:00.004-05:00

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Well, I guess this must mean it's blog time. Problem is, I'm not really sure what I'm blogging about.

Let's talk about passion. That was the topic of our sermon on Sunday.. life passions and whatnot. So.. I guess the question for me right now is, what are some things, issues, etc that I am passionate about?

I believe very strongly that God and Jesus do not fit into the tiny little box that today's church has tried to put them. God does not belong in a box and He can't be summed up with cute little catch phrases or rules or anything else. God is so much bigger than anything we can ever understand. If you can't find God outside of church, you aren't going to find him in church either. And maybe I should clarify that. If you aren't able to see God in nature, in other people, in the calm quiet moments in your bedroom, in a classroom somewhere, at your job, or in a book or story, yet you think you've found Him in church, I wonder whether you've found God in church or whether you've just found religion in church. Two very different things.

I'm passionate about the just treatment of others. I'm not prone to anger, but one thing that really, really makes me upset is to see the unjust treatment of people around the world. Lately it's been human trafficking, especially for prostitution and other sex acts. I can't even put into words the emotions that I feel erupting inside of me when I think about it, hear about it, or see videos about it. I saw a video where these people were rescuing some young girls (literally ages 14, 15, 16) from brothels, the hurt that I saw in their eyes was just indescribable. I read somewhere that often the people that are utilizing these brothels are American men visiting on business. That makes me even more angry. And then.. I started thinking beyond just human trafficking and brothels in India to prostitution and porn here in the United States. There are people who believe that prostitution in the United States should be legal because women should have the right to do whatever they want with their own bodies... but.. wow. I'm not here to argue about that, but I can be fairly certain that no woman really wants to be a prostitute or a porn star and the fact that men out there continue to support this industry just makes me sick. I hear people joking about porn all the time, and it stings every single time. Because you can get it on the Internet or on a video, often people don't even consider the fact that these are REAL people in these videos. Real people with real emotions. Real people with real problems. I've heard the statistic that 60% (maybe even higher than that) of evangelical men are addicted to porn! Sixty percent of these men who are supposed to be children of God are treating these women like pieces of trash and allowing and perpetuating a cycle of emotional and spiritual trauma in the lives of these women and young girls. It makes me angry.

(And maybe I should add that there are many women out there who also add to this problem as well by portraying themselves as sexual objects in order to feel fulfilled. I could probably rant about this in an entire blog as well, but I'm going to move on.)

I believe that the United States of American is largely consumed by a very dangerous thing called consumerism. I become extremely agitated when I see bits of shows liked Cribs or.. well, actually I can't really think of any others off the top of my head because I don't watch them, but I know there are more. Shows that actually idolize living way beyond your means, or at least way beyond what you need. We ALL have too much stuff. I honestly think I would be happier if I just trashed most of what I owned and went a lived in some cabin in the woods. I think we all would. Often I think back to what life was like 150 years ago and I'm jealous. I really wish I could have lived back then. But then I realize all I imagine about that time period has been romanticized and people were as wicked and sinful then as they are now. It's just different now, that's all. However, I really am bothered by consumerism. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 is one of my life verses.

I'm passionate about learning. About everything. The more you learn and study about the world and people and history and philosophy and anything else.. the better you are able to serve God. Maybe that's because I believe learning about all these things helps you to see God better, I don't know.

I'm passionate about politics. I dislike both major political parties and I certainly think differently about politics than the average Joe, but I still absolutely love politics. It's mostly the abstractness of it all that I enjoy. I love thinking about policies and the continual debate about which is the most effective. I think it's fascinating how politicians manipulate the public. I don't like it, but it really fascinates me. I think it tells you so much about how we think.

And mostly, I'm passionate about seeing other people find their passion. There is nothing more exciting than seeing someone find their God-given passion and living out their life like it matters. I don't care what you do: if you are living your passion, you're bringing glory to God and serving Him.

See here's the thing. I was talking to a pretty amazing person the other day and she said something about not wanting it to be about her, about wanting to serve God with all she's got, without any concern for herself. And I agree. But here's the thing.. What Paul did, I could never do. I know it. It is absolutely not my passion, but you know what? It was his passion. His purpose for being on this planet was to preach the gospel and undergo all sorts of trying and difficult circumstances. Now, I'm not saying that he enjoyed being beaten or put in chains, but those came with the territory, and for him, it was worth it all. He was living the "dream." Paul was effective because he was passionate about what he was doing. (That and he had help from above, duh).

Not to compare what I want to do with what Paul did, because I don't know if I'll ever fulfill my purpose as well as he did, but... I want to be a teacher. There are some people that would absolutely HATE teaching. All the paperwork, extra work after hours, poor pay, lack of appreciation, etc would just be terrible. All they would see when they considered the teaching profession would be spending time locked up all day with hormonal teenagers trying to teach them something they don't care about. They wouldn't see the spark that I see when somebody finally catches on to what you're trying to teach them. They wouldn't see the potential for growth in young minds, they wouldn't see the opportunity to help hundreds of teenagers find their own passion. But I see it, because that's my passion. I want to teach with everything in me, regardless of all the crap that I may have to put up with. No, I won't enjoy the days when the kids are particularly difficult or when I have extra meetings or get yelled at by parents, etc, etc, but it will be worth it. And I don't want to teach because of what it's going to do for me, but rather because I can see what my teaching might be able to do for others.

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that finding your passion isn't exactly about you, but when you find your passion, it's not going to be some awful, terrible thing. You will face hardships, there is no doubt about it. But the hardships won't seem as bad to you as they might to someone else. So finding that thing that creates that spark inside of you isn't a selfish thing. You're just doing what God created you to do.

I hope this very random blog has made some sort of sense. It feels like I started in one direction and sort of veered off another way, but oh well.

Anyway, in conclusion, I'm passionate about a lot of things.

Be passionate. It's okay.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
- Howard Thurman

simple

2008-12-07T22:23:00.002-05:00

Live simply that others might simply live.
- Elizabeth Seaton

So, we've been doing this Advent Conspiracy series at church for Christmas and it's really been awesome. I started to say that it's really gotten me thinking, but really, this is something that I've been thinking about for ages. Today we talked a lot about consumerism and how the American culture worships consumerism and stuff. Did you know that in America we spend around $455 billion on Christmas annually? According to Advent Conspiracy, it will only cost $10 billion to provide get clean water to everyone on the planet. I've seen estimates that it would cost $195 billion a year to end world hunger. Do you see the problem? I am SURE that Jesus is not thrilled that we're celebrating his birthday this way. Can you imagine what would happen if all of America just decided NOT to celebrate Christmas by being such massive consumers and instead decided to do something more worthwhile with our money, like oh, I dunno, end world hunger?

I wish I could adequately express in words how frustrated I am with consumerism in America. God's been taking me on this journey for a while now and the more I hear about it, the more I want to live SIMPLY.

Simple is my new favorite word. I want to live a simple life. I want to love simply. I want to have a simple faith. It really SHOULD just be that easy.

When we went to New Mexico a few years ago.. Wow, I guess it's really only been a little over two years, but it feel like ages ago.. Anywho. When we went to New Mexico to the Indian Reservation, I gained a whole new perspective on stuff and material possessions. I had just come back from Paris about two weeks before that and it was such culture shock to go from one of the fashion capitals of the world to a place where some people still had outhouses and were so incredibly poor. It really put a new perspective on things for me. When I came back, it almost made me sick to see how much stuff I owned and from that point on I've been going through a process of downsizing my possessions. I got rid of a lot of my clothes and books and all sorts of other stuff. Clutter drives me crazy now. Michelle says it's just because I'm OCD and calls me a "clean freak" (which may be partly true), but it at least began because of the principle of the matter.

Then, we went to California this past May and while we were there I just felt so totally bombarded by the Hollywood lifestyle for some reason. When I saw all the stores and how expensive everything was and all the fancy cars that people drove and everything, it really began to frustrate me. I'd already started majorly watching my budget to save for the trip and for France, so maybe that made me more aware of it, I don't know, but either way, it just really frustrated me. When I came back home, it once again made me want to get rid of possessions.

Also, a little before that I read this really awesome book called Serve God, Save the Planet that encouraged people to live frugally rather than squandering the gifts we've been given. We should take care of the planet that we've been given and it talked a lot about how we have too many possessions and stuff. It also talked a lot about being better managers of our time as well.

Then this summer I spent so much of the summer out at the Land with my dad just spending time in the garden, and then later canning and freezing all the vegetables, and I remembered what the simple life is really about. There's not much of anything that's more peaceful than sitting around in a garden pulling weeds or picking fresh vegetables or taking a walk in the woods or looking at the stars at night or baking a squash cake or popping soybeans. Going out there this summer was my escape from all the stress in my life and I really think that was because I was taking my focus off of all the crap and getting back to the basic simplicities of life. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Then of course all this stuff with the economy has gotten me thinking about it all over again. There's a part of me that really thinks that maybe a recession/depression wouldn't be such a bad thing for this country as a whole. Maybe it would get our focus back to what it should be and would teach us not to have such a consumer-driven mindset. However, I know that's easy to say when it's not my job that's about to be lost or my retirement going down the drain, so I try not to say that. But I really do think we're just suffering the consequences of our culture being so materialistic.

And now, here we are doing this Advent Conspiracy thing and it's just, once again, reinforcing the point that life is not about STUFF. There's a switchfoot song called Gone that's occasionally been popping into my head that's about all this stuff. I'm pretty sure I posted it a while ago when I was thinking about all this stuff...

Life is more than money, time was never money
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
We've got information in the information age
But do we know what life is like outside of our convenient
Lexus cages?

Anyway, this Christmas, think about whether you really NEED all this stuff. Think about ways to give thoughtful gifts rather than just contributing to the mindless consumerism. But, here's the thing. Don't just do it for Christmas. Start thinking more about your daily lifestyle. Where can you cut back? How can you live more simply? And it doesn't have to just be with your money, what about your time? We can overspend our time just as much as we can overspend our money. Don't waste it and don't try to overextend it. Live simply. It won't happen overnight, but even if you're just living more simply than you were yesterday, it's an improvement. I promise that this world would be a better place if only all of us tried to live a little more simply.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

I was looking up quotes about living the simple life and I found about a million that I absolutely love. Check 'em out.

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.
- Hans Hofmann, Introduction to the Bootstrap, 1993

To poke a wood fire is more solid enjoyment than almost anything else in the world.
- Charles Dudley Warner

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.
- Elise Boulding

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life.
- John Burroughs

Maybe a person's time would be as well spent raising food as raising money to buy food.
- Frank A. Clark

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
- Lin Yutang

Remember that in giving any reason at all for refusing, you lay some foundation for a future request.
- Arthur Helps, Essays Written in Intervals of Business, 1841

The greatest truths are the simplest: so likewise are the greatest men.
- Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827
(this reminds me of a conversation Amy and Dusty had today, haha)

We don't need to increase our goods nearly as much as we need to scale down our wants. Not wanting something is as good as possessing it.
- Donald Horban

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
- Dr. Seuss

believe and be satisfied

2008-11-10T18:12:00.000-05:00

I don't think words can adequately describe how blessed I feel to have been able to spend the weekend with such an awesome bunch of people. I was humbled to serve with such an amazing team and truly honored to spend time with some fabulous girls.

But enough with all that. :)

One of the greatest honors of this weekend for me was being given the privilege to share my story, my life, my brokenness with the girls when I gave my "Singles" talk. Yes, God has been preparing me to give this talk for years, but when it came time I really wasn't sure I wanted to give it. In fact, when I first sat down to try to work on it, words were not coming to me at all. I really wasn't sure it was going to come together at all. Of course, God came through and I was able to speak from a heart that has been molded by God over the years. What I realized was that by trying to write out word for word what I was going to say, I was going to make it stiff and impersonal and that it would be better to just get up and speak from the heart. I am very passionate on the subject because I've seen so many young girls choosing a relationship with a guy over God. It pains me to know that they are trying to fill a void with something less than God and it hurts even more to see suffering they go through when, after placing all of their hopes and dreams in a single relationship with a guy, it falls apart and they are left even emptier inside. My prayer is that this weekend, God was able to speak through me to these girls to remind them that only He can completely satisfy their every need.

Anyway, I really just wanted to post this poem. Kelsie shared this with me before I gave my talk and it fit so beautifully with what I wanted the girls to understand that I gave a copy to each of them. However, I certainly do not want to keep this to myself, so here it is for all to see. :)

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone-
To have a deep soul relationship with another-
Be loved thoroughly, and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone-
With giving yourselves totally and unreservedly to Me-
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With me alone.
Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.
I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me-
Exclusive of anyone or anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing-
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best-
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me-
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me.
And this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

– author unknown

always in my heart

2008-11-01T22:41:00.004-05:00

Time for a blog!! :)

Well, the wedding is finally over and it was great! I had a fantastic time. I put a bunch of pictures on facebook, and I laughed when I realized my last four or five albums of pictures on facebook have had to do with the wedding. I really had a good time with it though and I'm so glad I got to be a part of it. It was really a blessing in disguise because it sort of got me out of this weird funk that I've been in lately.

Things are settling down a little bit now. I've got the Chrysalis flight next weekend and then after that things are pretty much going to go back to normal, whatever that is. I'm really, really looking forward to this weekend. I know I've been needing it for a while and it really excites me because I know without a doubt that God's gonna do something pretty amazing. But it's weird, because it's not really the normal anticipation that I'm feeling. It's just.. I know that things between God and I haven't exactly been peachy as of late. For that matter, I know that things between me and just about everybody haven't been exactly peachy lately. So, I guess, I know that this weekend, things are going to have to change. I'm going to be spending a lot of time with God and with other people and I'm pretty sure it's going to force me to reevaluate some things.

I miss my friends. A lot. I know most of them (or I guess I should say most of you, since if you're reading this you're probably one of them) probably think I've fallen off the face of the planet or that I've quit caring or whatever. I really hate that. I want so badly to be able to be there for every single person every single time, but I'm really just not capable of it right now. School is incredibly demanding and I don't see that changing any time in the next three years, ha. However, I know that serving God with excellence at school is a vital part of my walk with Him right now. I feel called to dedicate my time to Genesis and helping that ministry grow, and I really feel called to spend time with my family, growing closer to them and developing and fostering better relationships with them while I still can.

These last few weekends spending time with Samantha and the other girls for the wedding have been great and then teaming and stuff has been good too. It's forced me to be around people I love and care about and I have really needed that. I constantly feel guilty about not being there for some friend or the other, and that's a really tough place to be.

I promise you, without a shadow of a doubt, that I still love all of my friends as much as I ever did. Not a day goes by that I don't think about each of them or worry about them or pray for them or wish that I could spend time with them or just plain miss them.

It's almost a curse.. I care about people so much that I almost feel their pain, feel their hurts, feel their loneliness or emptiness, feel their joys, their excitement, their dreams. Mom's told me before that from the time I was a little girl, I've been extremely perceptive of people's emotions around me. It's almost a joke among some of my friends about how I "just know" things, but sometimes that can be just as much of a curse as a blessing. It's so draining to constantly be carrying the burdens of other people; and I know it's not their fault. I can't help it. When I'm around someone, I just automatically want to pick up their burden and carry it, and to an extent, that's a great thing. I love them and that's my way of expressing my love for them - I help carry their load. However, lately, I've had my own load to carry which has made it a little more difficult to help others carry their loads. Sometimes it just seems easier to distance myself than it is to be around someone and worry about not being able to carry their load for them.

I'm not sure this is even making sense...

I'm not really even sure what the point of all of this is... I think the reason I'm struggling writing this right now is that it's very, very hard for me to put into words exactly how much my heart is burdened by knowing that I haven't been able to spend the time with the people I love as much as I'd like to. I wish so badly that there was enough of me to go around all the time. My heart just sort of aches when I think about people who I'm growing distant from or people who I don't get to spend time with enough. And sadly, that list of people keeps growing longer every day. And of course, to top it all off, I keep hearing things where people are talking about how in a relationship, it requires the effort of both people and how much it hurts when one person isn't pulling their weight, etc, etc. Plus, always in the back of my mind is the thought I've always had that we always make time for our priorities.. soo.. if I don't have time for the people I love, does that mean they aren't a priority for me? Or does it just mean that they aren't as high of a priority as the other things going on in my life? And if they're not, shouldn't they be? I certainly want them to be.

Sometimes I feel like the expenditure of my time does not reflect the love and compassion that I have for so many people in my life. But where do you draw the line? How do I make time for all of these people while still fulfilling all the other things that I feel God has called me to?

I guess the important thing that I always come back to is reminding myself that it's not up to me! God does not need me to be able to minister to those people. God can love them just as well without me as He can with me. I am not what is saving those people or making them whole. I may be the vessel through which God chooses to act, but in the end, it's God moving, not me. So what makes me think that I'm something so special that I am single handedly responsible for the state of the souls of all these people? How arrogant and prideful is it of me to really think that my not being in someone's life is enough to harm them forever. God's still there for them, whether I am or not. They don't need ME, they need Jesus.

How freeing that is. How absolutely liberating it is to realize that it's not up to me. When I fully grasp that I'm able to let go, trust God, walk in his footsteps and love people as I feel led, rather than as I feel guilty. Two very different things.

Anyway, I hope this made some slight sense. I'm going to get some sleep now because since we're getting an extra hour of sleep I'd like to take advantage of that! :)

Love to all!

p.s. regardless of how it may appear, this note was really written in general, not about any one or two or three particular friends of mine. this is honestly how i feel things have been between myself and just about everyone in my life lately. but. things are changing. i'm sure of that. :)

life

2008-09-28T12:08:00.005-05:00

just give it time, it's gonna get better,
now is not forever at all,
just give it time and everything changes,
tomorrow comes today will be gone,
and everything is gonna be alright just give it time, give it time
- jon mclaughlin

It's been so long since I've written a blog that I'm not even sure where to begin or what to write about.

God's been shaking me up a LOT in the last few months. He's challenged me to my very core and He's still at it. I've struggled through a lot of thoughts and a lot of emotions. But I think through it all, He's taught me a lot more about who He is and has revealed more of his character to me than He ever has. Here's some stuff that I've learned (or re-learned, haha) lately.

- Patience is a virtue. Nothing good happens overnight. Just because things don't appear to be happening fast enough for us doesn't mean that they're happening too slowly. God has perfect timing, every time.

- Love conquers all. I know that seems sort of "cliche," but it's so true. If loving others was always our priority, then most of the conflict in this world would not exist.

- When things seem too hard to handle, too difficult to get through, think about how you'll view your current circumstances as you look back on them ten years from now. Will it seem as traumatic as it does now? Sometimes we get so lost in the little, messy details of things that we lose complete sight of the big picture. So, when things get "bad," step back. Look at the big picture.

- No matter what, if you believe in something, don't quit.

- Pruning hurts. There is absolutely nothing pleasant about being pruned to be used by God, but in the end, the finished product is absolutely beautiful. Sometimes you have to get rid of the old to make room for the new, that's just the way life works.

- We can't control anyone but ourselves. If someone else isn't acting according to what we think the will of God is, we can't make them do it. The only thing we can do about it is pray. All we can do is make sure that we don't get so caught up thinking about what they're doing wrong that we forget to do what's right in our own lives.

- Following the crowd - temporarily easy? yes, beneficial in the long term? no.

- Worrying is futile and a waste of energy, but the opposite of worry is not apathy. The opposite of worry is faith.

- Sabbath is important. If everyone in the world actually made time for getting some Sabbath rest, the world would be a happier, healthier place.

- "Live simply, so others can simply live." - Brad Bennett

- Principles for dealing with money: If you don't have it, don't spend it. There is such a thing as "enough" and "too much." Be generous. Compare what you own to what your great-grandparents used to own. It's likely that just about everyone you know owns "too much" stuff.

- Conserve. Respect and honor what you've been given by not wasting it.

- "I wake up every morning and tell myself that today is going to be a great day. And, you know, I find that even if every day isn't a great day, I have more great days than not so great days." - Dr. Riesen

- "We're human BE-ings not human DO-ings." - Rob Bell

- "Yep." - also Rob Bell. (That one probably needs some explanation. Haha. Sometimes Truth is 3-D, but we look at it in 2-D. So, what I see as a circle, you might see as a rectangle, when in reality, it's a cylinder. Quit fighting about whether it's a circle or a rectangle!)

- If you want to determine whether something is true wisdom from God or just some person's opinion, put it through the James 3:17 test. "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." - James 3:17

- Alone time is good, but it's also equally important to spend quality time with people.

- Develop your own sense of spiritual Truth. And when I say that I don't mean that you can just make up whatever you want and brand it "Truth." I'm just saying don't ride on the somebody else's coattails. Search for yourself. Think for yourself. Just because somebody is supposedly a spiritual leader does not mean they are infallible. I know a lot of spiritual leaders with conflicting opinions and they can't all be right! Don't base your beliefs off of what somebody else tells you. Read the Bible. Let God speak to you. And of course, listen to wise spiritual leaders too. But be sure they really are wise (James 3:17 again).

- Be humble.

- No human being will ever satisfy your longings and desires the way God does. So if you want a fulfilling relationship, allow yourself to be filled with God first, then you'll have healthy room for another person.

- Just because God has placed a specific calling on your life doesn't mean He's placed that same calling on everyone's life. If He tells you to do handstands and He tells Bob to do cartwheels, don't yell at Bob for doing cartwheels and not handstands.

- Just when you think you've got something all figured out for yourself, just remember, you don't. There's always more of the story to be written, always something more you can learn. Never get too comfy!

- And finally... There is no such thing as a perfect church. Just like there's no such thing as a perfect husband/wife. But that doesn't mean you don't stay committed and love each other, even when things get rough.

I think I could go on and on and on here. God's been doing all stuff in my life lately and my brain is constantly moving at about a thousand mph trying to keep up with everything, but in the midst of it all, I think I've gained a bit of a clearer perspective on life. And I'm sure He's not done with me yet.

Whatever You're Doing - by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

james madison

2008-07-17T16:29:00.002-05:00

We just went to Virginia last week and visited several presidents' homes, including Montpelier, James Madison's home. James Madison is often called the Father of the Constitution and he dedicated much of his life to studying various forms of government, with the hope of eventually discovering the best form of government. The Constitution was a direct result of all of his work. As I sit here listening to a woman babble about Physics (summer job), I have quite a bit of time sitting in front of the computer and I decided to look him up. Below are some quotes of James Madison that I love. See for yourself. :)

Americans have the right and advantage of being armed - unlike the citizens of other countries whose governments are afraid to trust the people with arms.
- James Madison

And I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in showing that religion and Government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together.
- James Madison

Do not separate text from historical background. If you do, you will have perverted and subverted the Constitution, which can only end in a distorted, bastardized form of illegitimate government.
- James Madison

Each generation should be made to bear the burden of its own wars, instead of carrying them on, at the expense of other generations.
- James Madison

I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments by those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.
- James Madison

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
- James Madison

It is a universal truth that the loss of liberty at home is to be charged to the provisions against danger, real or pretended, from abroad.
- James Madison

No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.
- James Madison

Religion flourishes in greater purity, without than with the aid of Government.
- James Madison

The class of citizens who provide at once their own food and their own raiment, may be viewed as the most truly independent and happy.
- James Madison

The executive has no right, in any case, to decide the question, whether there is or is not cause for declaring war.
- James Madison

What spectacle can be more edifying or more seasonable, than that of Liberty and Learning, each leaning on the other for their mutual and surest support?
- James Madison

Whenever a youth is ascertained to possess talents meriting an education which his parents cannot afford, he should be carried forward at the public expense.
- James Madison

Where an excess of power prevails, property of no sort is duly respected. No man is safe in his opinions, his person, his faculties, or his possessions.
- James Madison

broken

2008-06-30T20:12:00.003-05:00

It's funny the way I just "know" when it's time to blog again. I've been feeling that way for a few days now, but I just wasn't quite ready. I'm not sure I'm ready to sort through and express all the feelings that I've been dealing with the past week or so, but ready or not, here I go.

My great-grandma died last week. The one I was talking about in my last blog actually. And honestly, I wasn't really sure how to feel. Despite the fact that she's been getting worse and worse for months now and we all knew this was coming, it was still a bit of a shock. There was no "Grandma's in the hospital" warning or anything. She just died. Plain and simple.

She was 95 years old which is really very impressive. And even more impressive, up until about 10 months ago, she and my great-grandpa were still living semi-independently at their house. She lived a good life and we all knew it. So, I dunno. It was sad. I still don't think I quite comprehend the reality of it all. Things are going to be really different from now on. I can't imagine Christmas without her. Michelle was just saying that she was craving a roll.. Grandma was famous for her homemade bread. And of course I've been remembering all the good times up at their house. As people were sharing stories about her at the funeral, more than anything else, I regret that I didn't get to know her better. I wish I could have spent more time with her. I wish I could've known the person that these people described. By the time I was born, she was already 75 years old. I didn't know her during her "glory days" and I sort of wish I'd gotten to know her then. I guess that's just what you experience when people die. We always want more time.

But the week didn't just end with Grandma's funeral. The day before Grandma Ruby's funeral, my grandma (dad's mom, and great-grandma's daughter) went into the hospital. That was an entirely different emotion. On the one hand I'm experiencing some bittersweet sadness at my great-grandma's death, and then suddenly I have to deal with the shock of my other grandma being in the hospital.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but my grandma has always seemed invincible to all of us. When I was 3ish, she broke her leg carrying my cousin. Other than that, she hasn't spent any time in the hospital in my entire life. In fact, she's always been the one taking care of everyone else. She was taking care of my great-grandparents and my great-great-aunt (all over the age of 94). I really wasn't ready for her to be in the hospital. They didn't know what it was and said they couldn't rule out cancer. In fact, they still can't tell us exactly what it was for sure.

I wasn't ready for that. And honestly, I don't think I'm ever going to be ready for that. It scares me to even think about. Not only because of the effect it's going to have on me, but the effect it's going to have on my dad and the rest of my family. She's so deeply important to us all.. I'm scared of losing her. Period. I'm not exactly sure I've ever been scared like that before. Reality just came and slapped me in the face and reminded me that she's not invincible and she's not immortal. Reality's a scary thing sometime.

However, this is a great time for me to reflect upon the power of God. Even in the midst of all of this, He's been doing good things. I feel like this whole experience really brought our family closer together. These kind of things usually do one or the other, but, at least in my immediate family, I think it's really brought us a bit closer.

Not to mention, I haven't been so emotionally drained in a long, long time. I was physically exhausted but I know it was from the stress and the worrying. A couple of people really blessed me on Sunday and it was so nice to just let somebody else do that for me for a change. All during the funeral and stuff I've been "being there" for the rest of my family, and it was really nice to have a few people just "be there" for me. I needed that. Most of the hugs I've been sharing lately were either mutual sympathy or me trying to comfort the other person. It was nice to be comforted by someone else for a change.

Sunday was really nice. It was nice to talk to everyone and then it was really nice to just relax the rest of the day. I'm pretty sure a little of the effects of the stress are still lingering somewhere down inside of me and will probably come up at some inappropriate time in the near future and I'll end up crying about a burnt piece of toast or something, but for the most part, I'm doing a lot better.

I've been sort of neglecting God in the past few days, but I think He's taking care of me. It's just another reminder that the whole concept of my relationship with Jesus is not based on what I do to deserve it. During these times I'm constantly reminded of the lyric "I'm not holding on to you, but you're holding on to me" in the Casting Crown's song. I need that sometimes.

by the way, this song by lifehouse really speaks to me during those times. i'm not exactly sure why, but listening to it really comforts me. i'm much better now, but a couple of days ago this song was speaking my heart.

Broken by Lifehouse

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

death. and life.

2008-06-03T22:01:00.003-05:00

What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?
Matthew 16:26

Today was a doozy of a day. I can't even begin to go into everything, but it's been quite a ride.

Today I went to Samantha's grandma's funeral. And as I listened to Samantha talk about this woman and see them grieving, I automatically started thinking about what my funeral would be like, what it's going to be like when my grandparents (who are certainly not so young or healthy anymore) get ready to go...

And, here's where it gets interesting. I didn't really plan it to happen this way, but I've been needing to go see my grandparents at Wishing Well for ages and today just happened to work out, so I picked my mom's mom up and took her out to lunch then went back and visited with my great-grandma for a while.

Coming straight from the funeral and then spending time with them was really very interesting. It just made me appreciate my time with them a little more. Talking to my great-grandma broke my heart though, it really did. She is somewhere around 95 years old, I'm not exactly sure anymore, and she's really not doing well. However, she really wanted to talk about her garden and her house and all that stuff. She kept talking about when she gets better and how she hates not being able to be out working in her garden and all that stuff. And see.. here's the thing. I don't think she's a Christian. I know for certain my great-grandfather isn't, but I'm not quite sure about her.

My mom's mom went with me to visit my great-grandma, so it was an interesting combo because my mom's mom is just an extraordinary woman of faith and to hear her talking to my dad's grandmother was really.. for lack of a better word.. ironic. Here's my one grandma telling my other grandma to just take one step at a time a just trust in the Lord... Just so unusual.

But my mom's mom is so much more comfortable with the idea of death. She isn't exactly jumping on the bandwagon to go, but when it's her time, she'll go. And what I've come to realize is that dying is so much easier on everyone involved if the person dying is living for something other than just what's here on earth.

If you're hope is placed entirely in earthly things, you're just setting yourself up for a miserable time somewhere down the line.

I was even thinking about that with my dad. He was showing me all his gardening stuff and all his chickens and all this other stuff that he's just poured himself into.. which is cool, don't get me wrong. But for some odd reason I had this flickering thought yesterday of "what if this all got burnt down by a forest fire?" Haha, strange, I know. But really. What if? What would he live for? He's put so much of himself into these very transitory things.. Just setting himself up for a fall.

It just makes me glad I've got Jesus.

And then, another thing that I've been thinking about a lot is not leaving things unsaid. After I finished at the nursing home I went to visit my OTHER grandma (dad's mom) and we talked for quite a while. Somehow we got on to talking about some of the things my great-grandparents have done for me and how blessed I am by them. And it made me think. Do they know? I don't want them to die without knowing how appreciative I am of all of them. I wrote my mom's mom a letter a few years back about how blessed I felt to have her in my life, but now I'm particularly inspired to make sure my other grandparents know how much I appreciate them. I want to make sure they know that what they've done for me has been really good. I want them to be sure they know that their efforts were not in vain. And I want them to know now.

And then just some other stuff that happened this evening.. Just talking about family with some people.. I dunno. Just really drove the point home.

Life is short. Don't leave things unsaid. Don't leave bonds left broken. Love with all you've got. And, above all, put your hope in the eternal, living God. Nothing else is worth living for.

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`

No man on his death bed ever looked up into the eyes of his family and friends and said, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office"
- Unknown

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
-Stephen Levine

Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.
- C.S. Lewis

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
- C.S. Lewis

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
- Unknown

peace, love, and memorial day

2008-05-26T18:19:00.002-05:00

Family traditions counter alienation and confusion. They help us define who we are; they provide something stead, reliable and safe in a confusing world.
- Susan Lieberman

As I sit here on my couch, letting the sun set on another Memorial Day, I'm especially aware of the sense of peace and comfort that I feel on this day every year. I don't know how to explain it, but I just feel like everything is right with the world today. Maybe it's because of the warm weather, maybe it's because I spent good quality time with my family, or maybe it's because of the comfort I draw from tradition. I don't know what it is, but this day is unlike any of the other 364 days for me.

I was talking to my aunt earlier today as we were sitting at the parade, hot and sticky from the sun and the intense humidity. We were talking about how miserable everybody was that was sitting along the parade route, and I mentioned how funny it is that none of us particularly enjoy sitting along the parade route watching countless people drive by in cars waving, listening to various bands play as they drag themselves along, or, even worse, scores of poor little girls twirling batons with red faces because they're exhausted by the time they reach our point on the parade route. But no matter how unpleasant the parade watching might be for any of us, we wouldn't miss it for the world.

I have literally attended the Memorial Day parade in Grafton every year as long as I can remember with the exception of the one year when I was in France (and even that year I was really sad that I had to miss Memorial Day).

Something about Memorial Day is so peaceful to me. We all just stop, watch a parade, go visit the cemetery, place some flowers on the graves, watch the men in uniform salute the flag, watch the flag waving in the wind... I don't know what it is, but it's just wonderful, and it wouldn't be summer without it.

I could insert some sort of patriotic jargon now, but that's really not what it is for me. For me it's about spending time with loved ones, slowing down and just realizing the gift of life that we've each been given. I can't help it, I'm a Memorial Day junkie and I will be as long as I live. :)

Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.
- Russel Baker

frustrated

2008-04-28T20:55:00.002-05:00

"The greatest single cause of atheism today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and then walk out the door and deny Him with their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable."

~Brennan Manning

I'm frustrated.

It's 10:00 and I have a whole ton of homework to get done in about 3 days... but I'm frustrated and I need to blog. So I will. :)

A conversation I had recently prompted me to do a little research on some stuff and I came across the Dr. Dino website again.. And I'm frustrated.

I'm not sure I know how to say this eloquently and without being too harsh, but I'm sick and tired of Christian activists.

Ok. That wasn't very eloquent. Or very not harsh. Let me try that again.

I'm so tired of all these people waving their signs, fighting for this or that, making a big deal about things...

It's not that I disagree with them. Not at all. I know that abortion is wrong. There is absolutely not a doubt in my mind that God is extremely unhappy about it. And I know that gay marriage is just a plain old oxymoron. That's not the way God made us. But.. I dunno. I wouldn't be so frustrated if we had all the rest of the true Christianity down a little better than we do.

Imagine for a second what it would be like if, instead of standing on a street corner waving a sign or debating an evolutionist or fighting to keep the 10 Commandments in a courthouse, we (Christians) had marriages that stood the test of time, lived peaceful lives because we aren't workaholics, took care of the poor as part of our daily lives, spent time with our children, truly loved our neighbors as ourselves, didn't own so much stuff that we could probably supply an entire African village with just what we have in our own house, weren't up to our ears in debt, and just in general actually had lives that reflect what we believe in.

I mean seriously. Christians everywhere are living a hurried, rushed pace because we have allowed the world to trick us into thinking that taking a Sabbath once a week is just ridiculous. We're overworked because we have this constant desire to do more, to be more accomplished, to climb that ladder of success. Or maybe just be break even. We have allowed money to drive us. Look at what Jesus has to say about that.

16And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. 17He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.'

18"Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. 19And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

20"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?'

21"This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Do Not Worry

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

32"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

And then.. Marriages everywhere are failing. And, sadly, the percentage of marriages that end in divorce are the same among believers and unbelievers. Why is that? Could it be because we spend more time watching television, rushing from job to school to taking care of the kids to doing stuff at church to.. whatever comes next than we actually spend with our spouses? Could it be because we don't communicate with each other. Maybe it's the money. Maybe it's because, according to CBS news, over 90% of people have had premarital sex by the age of 30. Maybe it's because we just don't take marriage seriously. And I don't want to say anymore, because I think marriages failed just as much in the past as they do now, it's just that now we have a legal way to get out of it, whereas before people "stuck together" legally but their bond still fell apart emotionally and spiritually.

We're overwhelmed with STUFF. We're constantly worried and busy and stressed and tired. Most of the time we don't live our Christian lives like there's much to be desired.

During 2002, an average of more than 2, 450 children were reported abused or neglected per day. Children everywhere are suffering from low-self esteem, depression, eating disorders, alcohol problems, peer pressure, and all sorts of other terrible things. And the church, relatively, is not doing much. At least, we're not doing much on the big world scale.

So why on earth are we spending even more energy and time running around pointing the finger at a small minority of people about what they're doing wrong!?

A friend of mine told me recently that his big problem with gay marriage was how it belittled the institution of marriage. And yes, I've heard that a lot. But what about those 90% of people having premarital sex? What about the 50% of couples that are getting divorced? I don't understand how people can make such a gigantic deal about gay marriage while we're living in a society where the rest of this is normal and we don't even bat an eye. And in a lot of cases, we're participating in it!

I don't understand.

Let me put a little disclaimer here:
I do realize that there are many people out there on whose hearts God has placed the issue of gay marriage, the issue of abortion, or many of these other issues I was talking about. I think they are important issues and that they're important to God. I just think that these other issues deserve equal time and attention and I don't think that the way to deal with any of these issues is to go parading around waving signs, shouting at people, or angrily accusing them of living in sin. What kind of example is that??

Too many people who don't truly understand Christ are making a big fuss about things in a manner that is definitely not honoring God. Many of those people are perfectly willing to get loud about certain hot, red button issues (as Dr. George liked to call them) but suddenly disappear when someone brings up the things from the Sermon on the Mount. And it bothers me that these people are the face of Christianity because the rest of us aren't letting our actions speak more powerfully than their words.

Just imagine what this world would be like if we all just laid down our arms and our signs about these other issues and focused our energy on living the Sermon on the Mount. I really think if we did that, those other issues wouldn't be as big of a deal. We would be able to solve those problems as an outcome of our living Sermon-on-the-Mount kind of lives... I just think we've got the cart before the horse. Or maybe even the cart without the horse.

Anyway.. That's why I'm frustrated.

I hope I was able to gracefully share that and that it came out the way I intended it to. If not, in my defense, I am extremely tired.. lol. If you know me at all, you know how I intended this to come out... :)

And on that note, I'm going to share two separate songs to finish this up.. One by a guy I've just recently come to like (recently as in a few hours ago, lol) and another by Casting Crowns..

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

t-shirts (what we should be known for)
by Derek Webb
they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare

they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind
like anyone on earth is living right
and isn’t that why Jesus died
not to make us think we’re right

chorus
when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they’ll know us by reasons we divide
and how we can’t seem to unify
because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style
or we’ll walk right down that aisle
and just leave ‘em all behind

they’ll know us by the billboards that we make
just turning God’s words to cheap clichés
says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”
but we hate our fellow man
and point a finger at his grave

chorus
they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours
thinking we can hide our scars
beneath these t-shirts that we wear

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

What This World Needs
by Casting Crowns

What this world needs is not another one hit wonder with an axe to grind
Another two bit politician peddling lies
Another three ring circus society
What this world needs is not another sign waving super saint that's better than you
Another ear pleasing candy man afraid of the truth
Another prophet in an Armani suit

What this world needs is a Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love them in their time of need
A Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love
That's what this world needs

What this world needs is for us to care more about the inside than the outside
Have we become so blind that we can't see
God's gotta change her heart before He changes her shirt
What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance
Blending in so well that people can't see the difference
And it's the difference that sets the world free

Jesus is our Savior, that's what this world needs
Father's arms around you, that's what this world needs
That's what this world needs

something behind her smile

2008-04-13T20:20:00.003-05:00

Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.
- John Jakes

This morning Jeff, one of the guys at our church who is extremely involved for Bikers for Christ, spoke to us about Risk Taking Mission work. It was interesting really, because he didn't at all take it the direction that I expected him to. Risk taking mission work.. it sounds like it requires you to go get shot at in Bosnia (or be hugged by little kids in Bosnia.. haha). But seriously.. At first glance, the title did make me think that he was going to be talking mostly about being a disciple of Christ in situations like Bikers for Christ. And so many people get confused by that because working with Bikers for Christ just isn't their thing. And it's so easy to get discouraged because you think you're not taking enough risks, not doing enough "dangerous" work or "frontline" ministry for Jesus or something because you aren't doing something that "radical."

Jeff took it a different direction, though, and I was so glad he did. He talked about how important it is for us to know our mission field. And I think that's where so many people get confused. He told us a story about how he went to a church one Sunday and saw one of his former teachers sitting in the front pew. She made a big difference in his life, yet she had no idea. School was her mission field. And school sounds so much less exciting than Bikers for Christ or sneaking Bibles into communist Russia or whatever, even with all the school violence these days, but by teaching in a school you can be fighting on God's side of just as big of a spiritual battle as a someone talking to a big burly biker. Risky spiritual battles aren't the same as risky physical battles.

He told another story I really liked about a girl that had recently moved into his apartment building. She was from a particular area and he asked her if she knew a friend of his there. She did, and she talked about how much he had changed recently (because he'd gotten saved) and stuff. But here's the kicker. He later told his friend about her, and he didn't have a clue who she was. She knew him, but he didn't know her. BUT, she noticed that he'd changed. His actions had made an impression on her, and he didn't even know it.

If I had to pick one part of my faith that I think God's really impressed upon me the most, I really think that would be it. I can't even begin to explain how passionate I am about consistency. People are always watching.

I have a keychain that says Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. Lately I've been wanting to get a new one because I'm afraid it might give the wrong impression sometimes. When I first got it, I was bothered with the idea that people think that in order to be a Christian, you have to be perfect. And so when they're Christians and NOT perfect they attempt to hide their imperfections, and they become what Casting Crowns appropriately dubbed "plastic people." No, we're not perfect. We have problems. We have struggles. That was why I liked that keychain.

However, on the flip side of that coin, it can also sound like an excuse. Well, gee, I'm a Christian but nobody's perfect, so why bother right? It's okay if I do whatever I want and it's okay if my witness doesn't always reflect my faith because, hey, I'm not perfect.

The reason that bothers me is that so many people out there think that they're okay because they go to church every Sunday and they at least believe in the idea of God and Jesus, because that's just what they've been taught. Their actions the rest of the week however, are make you wonder if they've even been to church, but because they've heard this stuff about being a Christian and not being perfect, they don't even realize they might have a problem. They've gotten so comfortable with their sin that they don't even think they really need a savior. They just need a nice big Bible in their dresser drawer and a Jesus fish on their car, and they're doing okay.

So it's a bit of a sticky situation. Once we've been saved by grace, it's very important to realize that we aren't perfect. It's important for nonbelievers to see that we're not perfect. But it's also important for them to see that we've been given to power to slowly but surely overcome these temptations. It's important for them to see how we allow God to pick us up when we fall. It's important for them to see how we share our problems, our struggles, our temptations, our faults with each other and how we encourage one and another as we face various trials. No, we're not perfect, and we're not afraid to admit it. But we're not afraid to admit it because we don't want to stay that way.

I actually have a really great math analogy that is the way I think of this all the time, but I don't really know how many people will understand it, haha.

Basically, we're not perfect, but.. Ideally, the limit of our "morality" as we approach death should be perfection. Haha. Which pretty much means that although we never actually reach perfection, the longer we live, the closer we should be to it. Kind of the same thing as saying that we just have to do is just keep moving forward. Sanctification is the big fancy church word I believe. :)

Anyway, I dunno where I was really going with all of this...

My main point was pretty much that people are always watching.. and really, the best thing to do is not worry about who's watching. If we're just able to live by that quote up there, it'll be fine. We can't worry about what Lucy at work or Billy at the gym sees in us, because we'll become those plastic people I talked about earlier. What we've gotta do is look up, look at God. Follow Romans 12:1, offer our bodies as living sacrifices each and every day. Make our lives a constant living worship and people WILL notice. We shouldn't have to try. It should just be an accidental witness, like Jeff's friend who witnessed, unknowingly, to that girl. That's how it should be.

This whole post sorta reminds me of the song that i named this blog after. i think i'm going to post it again. :)

Maybe You by BDA

She says she's just a girl
I think there's something more
She says You changed her world

And the smile on her face is a dead giveaway
And I just got to know

So won't you tell me
Is there something more to You
Maybe You could be the one for me
And turn my life into
Just what I need
Maybe You could save my soul
Maybe You could be my best friend, too
Maybe You

There's something in her eyes
Something behind her smile
She says You changed her life

Well maybe You or maybe not
All I want is what she's got
And I just got to know

Chorus

She says no one knows her like You do
She says she's nothing without You
And all I know is that I need You, too
Cause I can't see her without seeing You

desperation

2008-03-30T13:53:00.007-05:00

I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with this blog, but I feel the need to write one. :)

Something happened to me this weekend. I'm not really sure what it was, but I feel a little differently about things.

I feel refreshed. I feel worry-free, for the most part. I think it's the spring thing again. I wrote a blog last year about spring and how wonderful it is to me, and I think that's where I'm at again. Everything in D.C. was absolutely beautiful. The trees were budding, flowers were in full bloom, the sun was shining, it was warm.. Everything about it was just beautiful to me. Something about the new life, is just amazing.

What I've realized lately is that I'm too proud. I'm too self-centered and I've not allowed God to be my source of life. Somehow I got to thinking about relationships and I started thinking about my ideas about people relying on another person for their source of fulfillment. I really believe that the best relationships are ones in which both people are already relying fully on God for their sense of life. And that has always been one of my big reasons for advocating the single life, at least for a time.

I've always said that it gives you a chance to figure out who you are, to discover God's purpose for your life is, and to really spend some time getting to know Him. He should be our first love, with anyone else coming after that.

However, what I've realized lately is that I may not be allowing someone else to be the source of my fulfillment or whatever, but I am allowing other things to take the place of God in my life. Lately I have definitely not been relying on God for my sense of purpose, for my joy, for anything really. It's been all about me. I've been the center of my world. I've unintentionally let myself derive my sense of purpose and sense of fulfillment from external things, or at least things focused on me and what I can do for myself. I love Jesus, but often I seem to get the impression that I don't really need Him. Subconsciously I think I've gotten the idea that I can provide for my own salvation. I thinking I'm trying to do it on my own, even though I know better..

I actually spent quite a while thinking about this during the symphony we went to see Friday night. And I thought about it some more yesterday. My mom got me a little devotional book for Easter called 101 cups of water (relief and refreshment for the tired, thirsty soul). It's absolutely amazing. She couldn't have picked a better book for me right now. Ironically, after I'd spent all this time thinking yesterday, I picked up the devotional on the bus on the way home and this is the one I read. (it's so good I think I'm just going to post it all)

a cup of clinging

Self-confidence is my drug of choice.
It's another of my addictions really. Self-confidence fills me up, makes me feel strong, secure, invincible; it keeps me from thinking I need Jesus, makes prayer a bother...like the Bible. It leaves me pretty sure that I don't need God and that I certainly don't need others. Duty, obedience, goals, and hard work become the fuel for my daily motivation. Through everything, self-confidence remains my drug of choice even though it's as dangerous-maybe even more dangerous-to me than a drink is to an alcoholic.
I need Jesus's help. I need his mercy. I'm unable to shake this addiction on my own. I need him to take me to the I-don't-have-the-answers-anymore place of trust and dependence so I'll be sane, so I can rest. When I'm secretly feeling weak, needy, fearful, discouraged, or frustrated and have more desperateness in my life, I abandon my self-confidence and cling to Christ, even as he has been clinging to me all along. That's when I rediscover the joy of my faith. That's when I'm really free.
I may be desperate for self-confidence, but real desperation leads me to the joy of letting go of self.

- from 101 cups of water by c.d. baker

This pretty much sums up everything God's been trying to speak to me lately. I just pray that I'm able to respond.

This whole blog reminds me of a song by Relient K that I've recently fallen in love with. I want this song to be the cry of my heart. I want to be continually reminded of my need for Jesus.

I Need You
by Relient K
I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

When my hopes seem to dangle
Somewhere just beyond my reach
You say you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

in this storm

2008-03-17T20:37:00.004-05:00

dedicated to my aunt and her family. <3

"Praise You In This Storm"
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

quotes

2008-03-08T18:28:00.003-05:00

I love quotes. :) Here are a few that are hitting home right now..

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
- Mary Jean Iron

Pile up too many tomorrows and you'll find that you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.
- The Music Man

Slight not what's near when aiming at what's far.
- Euripides

“The next moment is as much beyond our grasp, and as much in God's care, as that a hundred years away. Care for the next minute is as foolish as care for a day in the next thousand years. In neither can we do anything, in both God is doing everything.”
- C. S. Lewis

"I think there is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up."
- Runaway Bride

A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
- G. K. Chesterton in Everlasting Man, 1925

I’m looking at these plans You have
For me they’re plans of hope and peace
Much bigger than the ones I have
I tried to follow mine
I was going nowhere fast
Your love makes me like David with a stone and sling
Nothing else could bring my life so much meaning
- Leeland

Of all bad men religious bad men are the worst.
- C.S. Lewis

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
- Henry Winkler

avec ton lait, ma mere... ctd.

2008-03-05T10:02:00.003-05:00

Soo.. I got about 1.5 pages out of the last blog and I still need 2.5 pages in English, and then an additional two in French. I've decided that I'm going to write the stuff in English and then intersperse French paragraphs in between until I get one six page paper.

The curse of being a mother who has a daughter is that her identity gets lost between her mother and her daughter. Just like her daughter who is fighting to find her identity apart from her mother, the mother's identity is entangled with her mother. Also, at the same time, her identity has been entangled with her daughter's identity. So, when she looks in the mirror, she sees her daughter and her mother, rather than just seeing herself. Over the years she has slowly but surely developed a mask that covers her own identity. In the midst of being a daughter and a mother, she has lost her own self.

The daughter sees who her mother has become and she is fearful that one day she will become the same thing.

As a young girl is growing up, she is trying to figure out for herself who she is. She doesn't want to be her mother, but yet, she already has so much of a part of her mother in her that it's almost as if she is struggling against herself. It's an internal battle. The unique part of her personality is struggling against the part of her personality that comes from her mother. It's a constant struggle to determine her own identity.

The mother can see parts of her identity in her daughter thus relates to her through those things, but the daughter wants her mother to relate to her through her entire personality, not just the parts that fit her mother's personality. But, the mother can't always do that. She is not intentionally trying to squelch the other part of her daughter's personality, but she simply does not know how to relate to that part of her, so, by default, she choose to relate to the part that she does understand, the part that is most like herself.

From the daughter's perspective, the mother wants her to stay a mini-version of herself for the rest of her life, when in actuality, this is just the only way the mother knows how to relate to her daughter. It scares the mother when the daughter begins to grow up and discover herself, because the more the daughter moves towards things that she loves that the mother doesn't understand, the less she understands her daughter, and that very intimate relationship they once had becomes more and more strained.

In the daughter's eyes, the mother is trying to trap her and keep her in this "prison" of personality, yet, in reality, the mother is just desperately trying to hang on to an intimate relationship created at birth that simply cannot last forever.

avec ton lait, ma mere...

2008-03-03T21:48:00.003-05:00

Ok, this is a bit random, but I have a four page paper that I have to write for my French class about this story I read about a girl feeling "imprisoned" by her mother. So, I've been sitting here trying to come up with something to write about, some way to stretch it into four pages, and I realized that when I write a blog or in my journal or anything else, I have absolutely no problem churning out a couple of pages. Soo.. I thought this might be a good way to at least air my thoughts, get them organized, ya know? Keep in mind that I'm essentially writing an English paper and most of what is below will be a bunch of crap pulled out of my rear in order to "analyze" some sort of literature.. Either way, this is the way English people think apparently, so I've gotta learn to live in their world. It's basically the opposite of math. In math, the shorter and simpler you can make something the better. In English, the longer and more fancy it is, the better. Anyway...

The whole story was about this girl examining her relationship with her mother, beginning with her infancy. She says, "Avec ton lait, ma mere, j'ai bu la glace." Which in English means, with your milk, mom, I drank ice. She goes on to describe the chilling effect that the icy liquid had on her soul and her body. She says her mother ruined her and that the milk became poison to her. Basically, because her mother's milk was a part of her very being, as she drank that, she linked herself to her mother in a very intimate way. Not only is the mother's milk a fluid coming from within her very own body, but the daughter receives the milk from the breasts of the mother, signifying a very intimate encounter. The two were linked from the beginning through the mother's milk.

Now, as the daughter describes this seemingly intimate and emotional encounter, she speaks of the mother's milk as ice, a liquid that poisoned and paralyzed her from the top of her head, the place where her thoughts originate, all the way to her feet which carry her wherever she goes. She says that her mother's blood paralyzes her and that the flow of her blood does not travel throughout her body, but rests near her heart.

After mentioning that her mother's blood paralyzes her feet, she goes on to describe how she was unable to run towards that which she loved. In fact, the more she loved, the more she was unable to run to the object of her desire.

Because of the intimacy that she shared with her mother, she and her mother are forever intertwined, forever joined, regardless of either one's desire to separate.

The mother/daughter relationship really is fascinating. At the beginning, the infant depends on the mother in a most unique way. Because of that dependency, the mother begins to invest more and more of herself in her child until her child, or, in this case, her daughter, becomes a part of her identity. Because of that, as the daughter grows up and wants to discover who she is for herself, it is very difficult for both mother and daughter because it's almost a severing of that intimate bond they once shared.

This is the tension that the mother and daughter are living in during this part of the excerpt.

The daughter feels trapped by this relationship that she and her mother once shared.

...

Well, I think that's enough for now. It's not much, but it's a start. I need to get to bed now. Hopefully I'll find time to finish this by Thursday although I'm really not sure when..

Oh! Did I mention that I absolutely am in love with the weather that we had today!?! I really believe God knew that I needed this little pick me up. These spring days interspersed in these awful gray, dreary days give me hope and let me know that spring is on it's way. I'm excited!! :)

A daughter is a mother's gender partner, her closest ally in the family confederacy, an extension of her self.
-Author Unknown

Of all the haunting moments of motherhood, few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter's mouth.
-Victoria Secunda

and the best of all...

Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to-be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future.... As though experiencing an earthquake, mothers of daughters may find their lives shifted, their deep feelings unearthed, the balance struck in all relationships once again off kilter.
-Elizabeth Debold and Idelisse Malave

rainy days

2008-02-26T18:03:00.003-05:00

God's funny... Really.

Sometimes I think He uses his sense of humor to get my attention and sometimes I think it's just for my entertainment.

Yesterday, Monday, is generally my free evening. I get home at 2 and that means I have several hours that I don't have anything scheduled. I always look forward to Mondays because that means I have a chance to catch up on my homework and to do something I actually enjoy doing. So, last night I played the piano which I haven't done in ages and then I cooked dinner which turned into a much bigger ordeal because we didn't have a meat mallet (I was pounding a chicken breast with a skillet.. quite an amusing sight, ask michelle, she'll tell ya). But anyway.. I didn't get any homework done at all last night. Then I sort of threw myself a pity party because I felt like I'd just wasted the evening. So what did I do? Somehow I spent a few hours browsing Itunes looking for the perfect song for lead team tonight and ended up being up late again.

There's not much that frustrates me more than wasting time on the Internet which is essentially what I did because in the end, I realized that I had to use the song that God had initially laid on my heart two days ago. I just wasn't too thrilled with his choice so I spent another two hours looking at random songs and not finding anything even remotely satisfactory.

So, as I was going to bed late, I came to the same conclusion that I've been coming to every night as I go to bed late. I have got to stop stressing myself out. I've heard that when people are on a diet, often when they break that diet that break it in a big way. That's sort of how I am with handling my time. When I'm on track and busy, busy, busy I'm ok. I get a lot done and I get it done efficiently. BUT, as soon as I get a break, suddenly all concept of time management just flies out the window.

So I woke up this morning with a headache, same as pretty much every day lately... I don't get enough sleep and the sleep that I do get isn't very restful because I can't get my brain to calm down enough. I was dreading today because I knew I wasn't going to get home (except long enough to have lunch and dinner) until around 9 tonight.

Today was an icky day. This weather is just depressing and nothing was quite going my way. I was tired from the time I woke up, I was running late for my clinicals, I forgot my name tag, it was raining and I didn't have an umbrella, and I still had five or six more hours of running to do before even thinking about homework, and wah wah wah. So, by the time I got to the school I was a little cranky and just not in the best of moods.

Of course, it never quite rained that hard while I was outside in the rain so I didn't REALLY need my umbrella. Nobody noticed (or cared) that I forgot my name tag, the teacher hardly noticed when I walked in and I actually ended up getting there right on time somehow. THEN, after my clinicals I have a message from Brad saying lead team is cancelled and suddenly three hours of my evening is free. Amazing..

And then I just laughed. God is good. He's answered every prayer of mine and I knew instinctively that all the things that were making me a little cranky were really not that big of a deal. No matter how my faith my waver in some areas, I always have an extremely firm belief that it will all work out okay. So even as I was running late and I got stuck behind a slow driver... I kept telling myself that it was going to be fine. But something inside of me just wanted to hang on to that crankiness. It's almost like I enjoy telling myself that I'm miserable, even if I'm really not. If that makes any sense...

So really, the whole moral of this story is Romans 8:28.
We know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Now.. the challenge.. I've got 3 hours of "free" time tonight. Am I going to waste it sitting here in front of this stupid computer or am I going to take advantage of this opportunity to catch up on some homework and get to bed early for once.

Hopefully I'll pass this test. :)

super woman

2008-02-16T22:56:00.004-05:00

“Don't just read the easy stuff. You may be entertained by it, but you will never grow from it.”
- Jim Rohn

(not sure what this has to do with the rest of the blog, but I really like this quote.)

I love the song below... It's been one of my favorite songs for years now. I don't exactly know why, but every time I hear it, I feel like I can relate to the guy so well. I'm not even sure I understand the lyrics at all, but something about it just resonates within me...

It's not that I hate my life. Not even close. And I'm not sure he does either... I feel so blessed to have the life that I have, and I'm generally very peaceful and joyful about things. Sometimes when I get stressed though.. things go bad. And that's what's happening at the moment. I've just got too much on my plate and God's working with me right now to sort all that out. He's teaching me what's really important. He's teaching me the art of relaxation and the art of planning all at the same time. He's teaching me how to be organized which is something I've only recently developed. He's stretching me and I know it. But at the same time, I'm trying to do more than I'm capable of. I am not superwoman. That's just all there is to it. I don't have to do everything perfectly all the time. I don't have to do everything all the time. Now, granted, I love a lot of things. I like the variety of things going on in my life and I think I will always want that in my life. BUT.. I just have to figure out what's really important and what's not.

Not only that, God's teaching me how to have a real relationship with him. I was getting too rigid with it and I've learned to just let go and see how that goes.

So, yeah.

This song sort of defines me. It's not easy to be me. BUT, it's not easy to be me because I make it that way. And I hate it when I complain, because I know the situation I'm in is entirely my own fault. In fact, I like it when things are a little difficult. When things come too easily for me I take them for granted and I squander them. I appreciate things much more if I have to work for it. Even my time. Yes, I hate that I don't have as much free time as I do in the summer, but, in the summer when I have a lot of free time, I spend it looking at facebook, lying around watching tv, or doing other equally unproductive things. I utilize my free time so much better when I have less of it. I actually do things that I really enjoy. I read good books, I take naps, I spend time with people I love...

So being busy is not a bad thing for me. But being TOO busy because I'm trying just a tad too hard to balance everything perfectly.. therein lies the rub. :)

Either way.. this song.. It's not easy to be me. I'm more than some pretty face beside a train. I'm more than a [wo]man in a silly red sheet. That's all. I just want people to realize that there is so much more to me than meets the eye. I am not superwoman. I do not have it all together. My life is not easy.

Something I heard someone say one time... When a wheel's moving forward, no one should even be able to see the spokes. Sometimes I just look like I have it all together because of the end result. What people don't see is the effort behind what I do, the prayer, the reliance on God, the time that I commit. So even if I seem like superwoman, I'm not. I never will be.

I love my life, but it's not always easy.

And that's why I like this song. :)
(not to mention it's just really pretty... lol)

Superman by Five For Fighting

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...you can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything...

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
I’m only a man
Looking for a dream

I’m only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it’s not easy, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm...

Its not easy to be me

realization

2008-01-20T14:06:00.000-05:00

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.”
- Robert Heinlein

A while ago, several of us at our church took this personality profile test and back when our current leader was first getting to know each other, we all went through our personality profiles and used that as a way to get to know each other. The personality profile is called DISC, with each letter representing a different personality type. Ds and Cs are task-oriented and Ss and Is are more people-oriented. Ds and Is are more outgoing, while Ss and Cs are more introverted. Usually they place the letters in a circle, with Ds in the upper left quadrant and then going clockwise from there. So, Ds and Ss are opposite each other and Cs and Is are opposite each other.

Ok, I promise I had a point for explaining that. :)

These personality profiles are really, really helpful. As soon as I know personality type someone is, their actions make so much sense to me. It's a great tool especially when dealing with working on a team or something, or being in a relationship. It helps you to understand others, as well as yourself.

Which is where I come to my problem.

When we went through this at lead team I was very confused because not only did I relate to almost all of them, but I particularly related to two letters: D and S. The test showed that I was an S, but I recognize a lot of D behavior in myself as well.

Here's a short summary of the two personality types.

D:
Dominant Style
People with the dominant style tend to make quick decisions, are very results-oriented, are direct and straight-forward, are confident and competitive, don’t want a lot of details, and often display a high level of initiative and energy. Additionally, they tend to prefer an environment that allows them to be in control. However, dominant style individuals can cause conflict by being too blunt, restless and impatient. When dealing with this personality style it is best to be direct and responsive and to not make excuses.

Approximately 10 percent to 15 percent of the population display a dominant style and include such individuals as George Washington, Margaret Thatcher, Barbara Walters and Michael Jordan.

S:
Steadiness Style
People with the steadiness style are dependable, easygoing, and friendly. Their emphasis is on cooperating with others to carry out a task. The supreme motivators for people with this personality type are stability and security. Thus, repetitive tasks, established work patterns and routine work are ideal. When working with this personality type it is best to spend time listening, show personal interest and be friendly.

Approximately 30 percent to 35 percent of the population display a steadiness style and include such individuals as Abraham Lincoln, Jackie Kennedy and Mother Teresa.

From what I mentioned above, you'll notice that Ss and Ds are directly across from each other in the circle, meaning that the two personality types are complete opposites.

I have a personality crisis so to speak. I'm a task-oriented people pleaser which is a big problem.

I like having a plan. I like making the plan. I like being the one in charge; as long as everybody's happy with me. I love people, but often I'm motivated by tasks. It's a very difficult place to be.

Part of me absolutely loves people. And because of that I have developed a lot of close relationships with a lot of people. I have this desire inside of me that longs to see people fulfilled. I want them to reach their God-given potential and I'll do just about anything to help them reach that point. Not only that, but I have a very hard time saying no because I'm a people pleaser. Because I want to see these people fulfilled, I want to do everything in my power to make them happy, and if my saying no might make them unhappy, I'll say yes. Even if I really can't do it and still be a sane person, I say yes anyway. It's a very dangerous thing to do.

HOWEVER

I am also a very task-oriented person. I'm very driven and determined. I believe that God meant it when he said,

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
- Colossians 3:23.

I am a very hard worker. I know God has called me to be at school right now and I know that this is an opportunity I have been given. Not everyone has a chance at an education like I do, and I feel that it's my responsibility to take full advantage of that while I have it.

Sooo.. I am getting to a point here, I promise.

My social circles are saturated because I love people and I love doing things for them. I am overly extended socially. My "task" circles are saturated because I like school and I have this drive inside of me that won't stop. I am also overly extended in this area of my life.

I'm stuck in this weird tug of war inside of myself. I want to spend my time working on homework and going to school and tutoring and I KNOW that's what God has called me to. But at the same time, I want to be spending time with people I love and care about. I want to go out to lunch with people and catch up on their lives. I want to be there to catch them when they fall and I want to be their support system.

When I can't do either one of these things, I'm not happy. If I spend too much time at school I miss the people, if I spend too much time with people, I miss school.

And the worst part about it all is that I believe that God has called me to both things. I fully believe that God gives us gifts for a reason. I happen to be a people person with a knack for listening and having compassion and mercy for people. It's a gift and I believe that God intends for me to use it. However, I also happen to be a math geek (lol) and I have a knack for learning and I believe that God intends for me to use that as well.

Which is why teaching is an excellent profession for me because I'll get to do both.

However, right now, it's hard. It's really hard. I'm feeling pulled in both directions and there just are not enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like to do. So I'm learning to say no. I'm learning that my schedule only allows for some things and if I'm going to try to stay somewhat in God's will, I've got to balance the two. I've got to spend some of my time building relationships with people, but I've also got to spend time at school. And because I've got to balance them, yet still try to do them both well, that means I'm going to have to let go of some of both parts. I can't do it all. I'm not superwoman.

It doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to be spending a little more time on certain subjects at school and it doesn't mean that I don't love certain people, but I have to make priorities.

As far as people go, I'm trying to spend time with the ones that need it the most. I can't help everyone. I try, I really do, but I just can't. I can't solve everyone's problems and I just don't have enough time to try. So, instead I have to pray and ask God for his guidance about who to spend what time with. I have to ask him who He wants me to be helping, rather than just trying to do it all. And as far as school goes, I have to be selective and decide which classes are going to be most relevant to me later and which ones that God needs me to work the hardest in.

And that doesn't mean that I cut everyone else out completely or that I just quit going to these other classes, but there are only a certain number of people and classes that I can really devote myself to.

Most importantly, I have to ask God for the grace to help me discern this. I have to ask Him to grant other people the grace to understand that it's not that I quit caring, but that I just can't do it all. And I have to rely on Him for my strength. Because not only do I have to do these good things, but I also have to maintain my own spiritual, emotional, and physical well being.

It's really quite a balancing act and I'm probably not doing a very good job at it. Probably because I'm trying to do it myself. I need God's grace and guidance to do this right, because otherwise I'm going to royally screw it all up.

:)

God bless you if you actually made it to the bottom of this. I'm not writing this as a message to tell people to leave me alone or quit bugging me. I'm mostly writing this for myself, the same reason I write all my other blogs. They help me to understand myself and what's going on with me. If somebody else gets something out of it, great, but that's not what I write these. I don't even know who reads this thing..

Anyway, I love people. There's no doubt about it. I don't want people to quit calling me or to quit asking me for help or to hang out or spend time together or anything of the sort. I'm just asking for grace and understanding if I don't pick up the phone and call you myself or if I have to say no. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that at that particular moment, God needs my time somewhere else.

If I'm going to make it through this semester and still be sane, I'm going to have to do this right. I've got to trust God and I've got to not over-extend myself.

That's the realization I had this morning. Haha.

"There’s no secret to balance. You just have to feel the waves”
- Frank Herbert

“Problems arise in that one has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself”
- Jessye Norman

"The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well."
- Horace Walpole

currency of time

2008-01-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

“Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely”
- Kay Lyons

“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

This has been a doozy of a weekend for me, to say the least. I knew it was going to be good, but I didn't know how good. God has really been challenging me and He's got me on track with things.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this blog... I may not even end up posting it, but my brain is just so full of thoughts that I don't know what else to do with them.

Dean, the church plant guy that came to talk to us, and he really challenged us to look at where we spend our time. What is the most efficient, effective way we can spend our time reaching others? It's funny really. Most of what he talked about this weekend was stuff that I've been wrestling with for quite some time now. I've learned that I need to spend more time doing non-churchy stuff. While it's all well and good, what good is it really going to be for me if I spend all my time at church and with my church friends doing spiritual things?

I think sometimes we get really, really messed up on this whole church thing. We think that in order to be good, religious, spiritual people we have to be in a Bible study, go to church at least once every Sunday, participate in some sort of ministry (or two or three), do our own personal Bible study, and really just spend lots of time doing lots of really good "spiritual stuff." Whatever that means.

But that's really not what it's all about. I mean, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of that stuff at all. And I do believe that you have to develop your own spiritual disciplines in your own life and you need to be rooted in the word in order to go out and reach people... but how often do we get so distracted with church that we forget what our real goal is?

I heard a guy say once that within two years of being a Christian, 90% of that new Christian's friends are Christians too. What good does that do?

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
- Luke 14:34-35

We are called to be the salt of the earth, but if we're spend all of our time (or even most of our time) with other salt, what are we doing? All that salt sitting around in one bowl is not going to make the really bland potato chips over in the other bowl get any saltier. In fact, I think that's part of what Jesus was saying. If we quit making things salty, we essentially lose our "saltiness." We are no longer performing our function and we aren't really even being salt anymore, we're just being some sort of rock crystal. Salt doesn't become salty until it's combined with something else. Or until someone comes along and gets to experience some of it.

So what I guess what I'm getting at is, we need to be more salty. We need to quit hanging out with all the other salt and start hanging out with the potato chips and the french fries. Or maybe even the vegetables. haha.

So, this weekend pretty much reinforced what God's been trying to teach me for quite some time now. I've realized that I need to spend more time with people that aren't Christians. I need to start serving and loving others.

And the new semester starts tomorrow, and I dive right back into the craziness. But my goal, my promise that I made to God tonight actually, is that I will not allow that busy-ness and craziness to get in the way of me reaching out to people. I will not get lost in all the shuffle. One thing Dean really reinforced this weekend was that we don't have to quit doing the stuff we do, we just need to be more intentional about it. How much time do I spend with people that I don't look at as time to invest in them? I mean, geez, if I have to be around them anyway, I might as well try to invest in them, serve them a little. lol.

We always have enough time, it's just how we choose to spend it.

Life Means So Much by Chris Tomlin

Every day is a journal page
Every man holds a quill and ink
And there's plenty of room for writing in
All we do is believe and think
So will you compose a curse
Or will today bring the blessing
Fill the page with rhyming verse
Or some random sketching

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in better ways
That somehow our souls forgot
Life means so much

Every day is a bank account
And time is our currency
So nobody's rich, nobody's poor
We get 24 hours each
So how are you gonna spend
Will you invest, or squander
Try to get ahead
Or help someone who's under

Has anybody ever lived who knew the value of a life
And don't you think giving is all
What proves the worth of yours and mine

Every day is a gift you've been given
Make the most of the time every minute you're living

dear children

2007-12-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think Christians get so caught up running around shaking their angry fists about nit picky little things, that they forget what our first job is. We waste so much precious time fighting about the little details and don't spend enough time on the two greatest commandments: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. Before you start waving your holy banner and shaking your fist at people, make sure you've got those two covered. And make sure that as you're waving your banner and shaking your fist that you're still obeying those first two commandments. I think it'll make all the difference.

Anyway, Kiley had this posted on her facebook and I like it. Yes, I hate that Christmas is slowly being changed from a religious holiday to a secular one, but... well, you read the rest (especially number 9!).
I don't think these are actually Jesus' words to us or anything, and I'm not sure I agree with all of it, but it does make a good point.

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are
taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't
actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your
predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a
time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered
anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily
understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your
own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My
birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in
which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get
rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene
on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be
any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many
of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday
tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can
remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish:
I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in
relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten
that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my
wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday
is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away
from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I
know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them
personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing George complaining about the wording on the cards
his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that
you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It
will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and
they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth,
and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and
remind them that I love them.

5. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own
life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless?
Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm
smile; it could make the difference.

6. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the
holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm
smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry
Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop
shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that
day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with
their families.

7. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--
especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never
heard My name.

8. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your
town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they
have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some
food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other
charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

9. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and
loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret
that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions
that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out
the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the
ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all
those whom you love and remember,

I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

up, up, and away

2007-12-06T22:16:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my last day of this semester; at least as far as I'm concerned. I have finals next week, but that's it. Tomorrow is my last day of classes and that to me signals the end of another "era" of my life. Things are changing. Again. And I'm really excited. I'd be lying to you if I said I wasn't curious about what's to come, what God's got in store, but I have to say, I'm content. I really do trust whatever's coming next. I trust that God knows what's going on and that whatever it is, it's going to be good.

I'm ready to put the last six months behind me and start over again. My schedule will hopefully be better next semester which will hopefully keep my stress levels down which will hopefully trickle down into all the rest of my life. I really think that a lot of the ickyness of this semester wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I had been getting the rest I needed and if I'd had a little more balance in my life. I spent waaay too much time at school doing homework this semester and I just don't want the rest of my life to be like that.

I'm a people person and I need to spend time with people. I need to be working with people and helping them. And although I have sort of being doing that lately... I don't know. I miss having people come up to me and asking me to pray for them. I know that seems silly... but I do. I mean, at lead team they ask me to pray for them all the time, it's almost a joke now, lol.

What I'm talking about is real honest, heartfelt prayer.. I miss coming before God with someone else and praying together for a situation in their life. I miss just sitting there, holding someone as they cry out to God or giving someone a hug who desperately needed it. I miss that little stone chapel with the stain glass windows where so many times I sat in a little huddle with some pretty awesome kids as we prayed.

And yes, I've matured in my faith a lot since then and I realize that our faith and our relationship with God is not about those emotional moments. In fact, sometimes those emotional moments trick us into thinking that it should always be that way when in reality a relationship with God is a continual daily process. And it's possible to experience that closeness every single day, not just in those moments at the chapel or at the altar or wherever. However, in those moments, I've sat with some people who were at a moment of desperation. I've been there with people when they finally gave in, finally quit fighting God. And there is nothing more powerful when God's spirit works like that. And I just miss that.

I know that God's got me where He wants me and that's cool, but I also know that these past few months my attitude has not been quite right. BUT, I'm ready to start over. I'm excited about the future and things are finally clearing. To quote Jeremy Camp,

"The fog has finally cleared to see, The beautiful life you’ve given me."

Life is good and I'm ready to leave the past behind and get on with the future. =)

Up And Up by Relient K

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could've been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I'm breathing in
I'll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what's gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I'll be

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
I know I'm capable of
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I'm down
I'll hold my head up high
Cause you're the reason why

I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love
And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
(Trying to be a better version of me for you)
Oh

quilt of my life

2007-12-02T00:04:00.000-05:00

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care. Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which
we cannot--and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.
- Melody Beattie

I'm done. I've given up. God wins.

And I don't mean that in any sort of defeatist sort of way. I mean that in the absolutely best way possible. I'm just done fighting with Him. I'm done trying to do thing my own way. I'm done thinking I know what's best for me and I'm done wishing that things were different. In fact, I'm done analyzing the past. Instead, I'm just going to trust that today is the way it is for a reason.

I refuse to allow the devil to rob me of the joy of this moment by reminding me of how things used to be, should have been, or could be.

Instead of looking at my present situation as a product of bad luck, bad choices, or bad timing, I will look at it as an opportunity. My life and my future are up for grabs and I am certainly not going to sit here and waste it thinking. Thinking of all things! To think I actually thought thinking would help me solve my problems!

Sometimes I forget how beautifully God works in our lives, how beautiful the masterpiece is that God is weaving... And each day He's working on it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the knot that he's making that I don't realize how beautifully that knot will fit right into the rest of the quilt. And so... I realize that the knot is there for a reason. I trust that God is taking care of me and that God is going to lead me in the right direction. And let me tell you, it's a good feeling.

I have finally given up. I'm letting go. I'm giving God control.

And yes, I've done this before. Many times. And I probably will do it many times again in the future because my pesky self seems to like to take control back, but for the moment.. it's gone.

For the first time in 6 months I can finally unequivocally say that I trust what God is doing. Not only do I trust it, but I believe in it, which is a huge difference. It's one thing to say, okay God, I'm trusting you even though this doesn't appear to be working out in my favor, and it's quite another to say, okay God, I'm trusting you and even though I don't know what's coming, I can see that it's good. I can see that where I am is good. He's giving me a little eyesight. I may not be able to see the details, but I can see enough to know that this is a good thing.

And that, well, that's a good feeling.

A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
- Maya Angelou

give up, let go

2007-12-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Give Up, Let Go
by Big Daddy Weave

Desperate, grasping with a clenched fist
I try to hold my own life in my own hand
Frustration sets in, thought I had this
Failure is the one thing that I just can't stand

Oh, You remind me that taking care of me
Has never been in my job description
Oh, now I'm finding you want to fix it all
You're just waiting for permission

Chorus:
I'm giving up, I'm letting go
Of everything that I've held onto
I'm giving up, I'm letting go
Of all the things that I've let hold me
For so long (for so long) Lord I know
I need to give You full control
Help me give up, and let go

I want to trust You with my whole heart
Not lean on what I think I understand
And ever when I can't see
Jesus, help me still to believe
You're unveiling an unfailing plan

And oh, sometimes the old me creeps back in
And oh, the only thing I know to do is give it all to You again

Help me give up, help me let go
Help me give up, help me let go
Help me give it all to You

today

2007-11-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

Just for Today by Mandi Ducroq

Just for today I will open my eyes and thank the Universe for one more day
Just for today I will look in the mirror and find one thing I like about myself
Just for today I will smile at a stranger in the traffic
Just for today I will greet someone I don't particularly like - and mean it
Just for today I will sing a song and not care if I am off key or who hears
Just for today I will do something I want to do, no matter what anyone else thinks
Just for today I will give someone a word of affirmation - not because I have to, but because I want to
Just for today I will be grateful for who I have in my life, not what I have
Just for today I will say a sincere thank you if I receive a compliment and not joke it away
Just for today I will do each task to the best of my ability
Just for today I will hug someone
Just for today I will tell someone I love that I love them
Just for today I will appreciate having a job, a bed and food
Just for today I will appreciate the beautiful colours of the sunset
Just for today I will be grateful for one more day that was undeserved, one more day that was lived to the full, one more day to love and be loved, one more day to be me

live your life

2007-11-02T22:59:00.000-05:00

I heard this song on the radio this afternoon and I absolutely love it...

Also, tonight at the Jeremy Camp concert he said something that really struck a chord with me.. "Don't fill your life up with so many things that you aren't available." We can be busy doing great things, even great things for God, but we have to be careful not to get so caught up doing those things that we get too busy to hear God prompting us to do something. It's a shocker, I know, but God doesn't always take our schedule into consideration. Is it really going to be the end of the world if you're late for that meeting because you stopped to help that woman carry her groceries or because you stopped to talk to an old friend who might really be hurting right now? God's got bigger, better, more important plans than we do, if only we'll take time to listen.

Live your life. You've only got one.

- ♥ me

How You Live by Point of Grace

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Chorus:
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Verse 2:
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Chorus

Bridge:
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

Verse 3:
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Chorus

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

oh the irony

2007-09-25T20:54:00.000-05:00

I want to jump - I'm so scared
I want to swim - don't want to get wet
How do I get to You - what do I have to do?
I want to pray - I need sleep
Don't want to sow, I just want to reap
I know what You're going to say: there's something in the way
Will it ever end, this war inside me?
- Tree63

I've been reading this really amazing book called the Unstoppable Force by Erwin McManus, and I tell you what, it has really gotten to me. Right now I'm seeing so much potential for the church, for my life, for my relationships, for my family... and it's sorta unnerving. I'm so comfortable. Everything in my life is so comfortable. And I guess, I think God is trying to tell me something. I think a time is coming when I'm going to have to get out of the comfortable and I'm going to have to take some leaps of faith, I'm going to have to really stretch myself.

Not to say God hasn't been stretching me all these years, because He has, but I feel like He's ready to do something big. I'm developing this crazy passion in my soul to be sold out for God. I can't really explain where it's coming from, but it's there. I want to really make a difference, ya know? I can't tell you how much that is just the cry of my heart.

I want to touch lives, I want to be a part of the movement of Jesus Christ that is changing lives, one at a time. Sometimes I get kind of impatient and I want God to be using me RIGHT now in big ways. But at the same time I'm scared to death. AND, I'm not trusting Him with the little stuff. I want to be a part of some big adventure for God, yet I can't seem to live out my part in the little adventure very well. My faith is not strong enough some days. A lot of days. In the big picture it's easy for me to think that in five years I want to be doing something really radical with my life, but when it comes down to it, those five years are just a whole bunch of tomorrows, so at some point my tomorrow is going to have to be radical. And at some point I'm going to have to get out of my comfy little spot.

But then again... I also think that sometimes I get a little overly excited about myself. It's not for me to decide how God is going to use me. Who says that I have to be a part of some "big" adventure? God may need me to humble and take the small jobs. He may have somebody else in mind for the big ones. And honestly, I think that's probably the case with me.

I can definitely tell you that I have been called to be a teacher. And to an extent I think that means that I am called the change the lives of people on a very personal level at a very slow rate. Sometimes I'm a little impatient. Sometimes I think that God's not using me because I'm not seeing the instantaneous fruits of my labor. But then I start thinking about the way that God's used me to shape other people's lives, slowly but surely.. and then I wonder, how many people's lives am I slowly but surely shaping just by being around? How many people is God touching through my life that I don't even realize?

But man... Sometimes I guess I just want to see that. That's why it's nice to get little thank yous from people from time to time. It reminds me that I'm not just spinning my wheels here.

No matter what though, I want to live my life different. I absolutely refuse to live a cookie-cutter life. And so far, that seems to be what I'm doing. I went to school, got a car around the right age, went to college, I've known what I "wanted to be when I grew up" since I was in 3rd grade, I have nice normal friends (well sorta, ha!), I've had my fair share of "boy trouble" (or something of the sort), and overall I do seem to lead a pretty normal life. But I can also say that I know that this normal life that I'm living is exactly what I'm called to be doing right now. God doesn't want me off in Africa living in a hut or anything of the sort. God wants me to be living a life of grace among average ordinary people to help Him reveal Himself to them. Sometimes that's a pain in the butt though because I feel like I'm not being "radical" enough or something.

However, I do know this much. My life from here on out is a blank slate. I don't have a plan. I don't really want one. I want to be able to shape my future around God's plan for me. I don't want to just live out a planned out life. I want to live every moment for God. I want my life to be about serving Him and serving others for Him. And that's an exciting thing. I can honestly say right now that as far as I'm concerned, my ambitions for the future complete revolve around being God's servant. I just want to be obedient. I want to be willing to do whatever He asks, whenever He asks. Even if that means just living a normal, boring life. But I want to be willing to do something crazy too if the time comes. And I don't ever want to get stuck in a place where I'm so stuck in my ways and stuck with the way things are that I don't change.

So often I see adults whose lives have been exactly the same for the past 10-20 years. Sure they've got a few more wrinkles and maybe the kids have grown up, but essentially, their day to day lives are basically the same. I don't ever want to get to that point. I want my life to constantly be changing. I don't ever want to get too comfortable with anything. I do want kids and I guess there might be something to be said for creating a stable environment for them to grow up in, but I sure hope I can find a way to balance that. I just don't ever want to get stagnant or stubborn. I want to continue to be soft clay to be continously molded into new shapes as God so desires.

Ha. I guess there's something in the back of my mind right now that's saying... "Renee, be careful what you wish for." It's a scary thing to be obedient. And honestly, right now, I know that most days I don't do so great. I have this wonderful passion inside of me, but sometimes I have a really hard time with the follow through. Which brings me to the song that inspired this entire book of a blog. The line that gets me every time is:

"Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense, Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle"

That describes me in a nutshell. I wish I could break out. And I'm sure praying that I will. But even as I do... I'm scared. I'm scared what will happen if God answers that prayer. Just like those lyrics way up at the top... I wanna swim, don't wanna get wet.

Oh the irony...

"Somewhere In The Middle"
by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

what this world really needs

2007-09-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

This is, by far, my favorite song on Casting Crowns' new album. Many "Christians" today have put such a bad spin on Christianity, that the world no longer sees it as a loving relationship with our savior, but as a hypocritcal religion. They don't need us, they need Jesus. I just really like this song. :-)

What This World Needs by Casting Crowns

What this world needs
Is not another one hit wonder with an axe to grind
Another two bit politician peddling lies
Another three ring circus society
What this world needs
Is not another sign waving super saint that's better than you
Another ear pleasing candy man afraid of the truth
Another prophet in an Armani suit

CHORUS:
What this world needs is a Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love them in their time of need
A Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love
That's what this world needs

What this world needs
Is for us to care more about the inside than the outside
Have we become so blind that we can't see
God's gotta change her heart before He changes her shirt
What this world needs
Is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance
Blending in so well that people can't see the difference
And it's the difference that sets the world free

CHORUS

(Dialogue)
People aren't confused by the Gospel
They are confused by us
Jesus is the only way to God
But we are not the only way to Jesus
This world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie,
My denomination or my translation of the Bible
They just need Jesus
We can be passionate about what we believe
But we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel
Because we are slowing it down
Jesus is going to save the world
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way

CHORUS

Jesus is our Savior, that's what this world needs
Father's arms around you, that's what this world needs
That's what this world needs

all i can do

2007-08-14T21:58:00.000-05:00

I downloaded Mark Roach's worship album a while back and I have to say that it is really one of the best worship CDs I've ever listened to. At first it didn't quite click with me, but as I've started listening to the lyrics in the songs I'm just amazed. These songs are the prayers of my heart, more than most other songs have ever been for me. It's pretty cool.

I haven't really felt much like blogging recently. I've been busy and it wasn't till just now that I felt impressed to blog.

God's been speaking to me about so many things lately... He's been speaking to me about our idea of church and what it really is. I've been learning a lot about myself, about relationships. These past two weeks I've been really making a conscious effort to be the hands and feet of Christ on a daily basis, especially to those that I don't want to be the hands and feet of Christ for. Like my family. Sometimes the people that I love the most are the ones that are the hardest to love and I'm working really hard at loving them like Jesus. And it feels good. And not only that, but I've noticed a change. Relationships around the house are different. It's really truly amazing. And it all sort of came from this talk I'm giving. I realized that I can't give a talk on Discipleship until I really live it. I've got the study part down. And I've begun to realize what it means to live in relationship to Christ every day. I'm really beginning to understand the personal aspect of the relationship, but I don't always live it out with other people. But I've been doing it more lately and it's good.

I've been spending a lot of time just enjoying life and it's cool. I've realized all sorts of things, but mostly, I've realized that I can't sit here and analyze my situation. Like, would I be happy if this were happening? Will I be able to be happy if it doesn't happen? Etc. And I've realized that it doesn't matter what I would hypothetically be like. It doesn't matter what my relationship with God would hypothetically be in a hypothetical situation. What does matter is what my relationship with God is right now. Am I happy now? (and when I say happy I don't mean wee, life is fun. i mean finding joy in the Lord) Am I living and loving God right this moment? In my uncertainty, am I still finding purpose in each moment? Am I still experiencing the joy of having God's Spirit in my heart? If yes, then why worry about anything else? And if no, then what can I do right now to fix that? And that's what matters. All I can control is right now and so that's what I've got to do.

This week I've just been loving life, trying to take care of every aspect of my life and really just enjoying the gifts God has given me. It's great. =)

ANYway... here's that song I was listening to that prompted this entire blog:

All I Can Do Is Surrender
by Mark Roach

I’m reachin’ up, tryin’ to undo this distance I’ve made.
I’m not givin’ up, in spite of sin intrinsic in my soul.
I need you, I know.
Lord, I’m learning what it means to let go.

All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything, all that I am.
All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything,
Lord, all that I am is in you.

I’m reachin’ in, tryin’ to pursue a faithful heart.
This world we live in, it’s sometimes hard to guard my mind, my soul.
I need you, I know.
Lord, I’m learning what it means to let go.

All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything, all that I am.
All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything,
Lord, all that I am is in you.

To your will alone, Lord, I surrender.
To your will alone, Lord, I surrender.

I’m reachin’ out, learning how to proudly claim you alone.
To those who cry out, in spite of all my faults, you use me, Lord.
They need you, I know.
Help me teach them what it means to let go.

All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything, all that I am.
All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything,
Lord, all that I am.

All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything, all that I am.
All I can do is surrender,
Give you everything,
Lord, all that I am is in you.

All I can do is surrender.
All I can do is surrender.

focusing on the storms

2007-07-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

and it takes a lot I know
to believe that there is meaning
inside this moment
in the winds of change

as it turns you upside down
as confusing as it seems
keep your head high and your feet on the ground
and turn and chase your dreams
in the winds of change
- Lifehouse

I feel the need to blog right now, but I'm not really sure what about. I think the problem is that I have so many things on my mind right now. God's been teaching me a lot, as usual and I'm not really sure where to even begin.

Life is crazy right now. Again, I'm sitting here looking at my life and realizing how little control I have over it. Again I'm noticing how little I really know about where I'm going and how I'm getting there. I guess that's part of being a disciple. The disciples just followed Jesus around. And sometimes they didn't even believe Him when He DID tell them. Remember the story of Jesus calming the storm? He told them that they were going to get in the boat and go to the other side, yet when the storms came, the disciples got scared and didn't think they were going to make it. What little faith! I think we do the same thing though. No, I don't think that God has told me much about where I'm going, but even if He did, would that change anything? I still don't see how I'm going to get there, and I probably would react the same way the disciples did.

Last night as I was driving home from the amusement park we ran into a really terrible storm. Most of the way home the rain was coming down so hard and the fog was so thick that I could barely see the road. I think at times I was going 40 mph on the interstate! When I finally looked up to read the sign, I was amazed. I was SURE we were almost home by then or somewhere much closer. Most of the drive home I didn't know where I was because I was so focused on the road directly in front of me and how terrible the storm around me was. When I got a bigger perspective I actually got even more overwhelmed because I realized I had so much farther to go. By the time we got home I was tense and exhausted because I had been struggling so much to see the road.

I think that's how I live most days. I focus so much on the little things going on around me that I forget to look at where I am in the big picture. Some days I do look at the big picture and then I get even more overwhelmed with the big picture that I get even more exhausted. But, the big difference between my little experience last night and life is that in life, we don't have to drive. God is more than willing to take the wheel from us if we want. He's ready to help us along the way. The problem is that we focus too much on the difficulties around us or on what's ahead and we forget to focus on God instead. He's yoke is easy and his burden is light. Life would be much simpler if we could just remember this simple truth that's in one of my favorite Oswald quotes:

We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.
- Oswald Chambers

Being a disciple means living a life focused on God every step of the way.

And of course, let's not forget that God's grace is there every step of the way. We will mess up, but God will forgive.

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
- Relient K

Man, I love Relient K. =) Anyway, this song below has been speaking to me a lot lately. My favorite line is "I can’t walk the path You’ve chosen on my own," but the whole song is pretty great. What a prayer.

Steps of Faith by Mark Roach

O, Lord help me to keep my eyes on You
O, Lord help me to keep my eyes on You
I can’t walk the path You’ve chosen on my own
O, Lord help me to keep my eyes on You

‘Cause I want to live like You lived
Love like You loved
Fill me with Your grace
I want to know Your glory
Lord, show me the way
Help me take these steps of faith

O, Lord help me to keep my mind on You
O, Lord help me to keep my mind on You
I can’t use the gifts you’ve given on my own
O, Lord help me to keep my mind on You

O, Lord help me to live my life in You
O, Lord help me to live my life in You
I can’t share the words You’ve spoken on my own
O, Lord help me to live my life in You

dirty surrender

2007-07-17T22:59:00.001-05:00

Well, I just started blogging once and I'm not really sure what happened so I'm going to try again.

Tonight at lead team we did a really neat exercise that has gotten me thinking a lot about the past year. I think I may end up doing this in two separate blogs, but we'll see.

John brought in a bunch of really artsy, moving black and white photographs and laid them out all over the tables. Then he had us walk around, look at them, and pick up the photograph that reminded us of someway that God has shown Himself to us in the past year. He also said that if there was a picture that just sorta grabbed our attention we could pick that one up too. Then we had to do a little journaling about what God was saying to us through the photograph.

I ended up picking up two pictures. The first was of a young man who was sitting down, head in his hands, looking up with all kinds of pain in his eyes. He looked so hurt and angry. I don't know why, but that picture just grabbed hold of my heart and wouldn't let go. I think what really spoke to me was the condition that picture captured. So many people walk around feeling like he looked, but most of them don't look that way. But see... when I interact with people, often I see that in them. I don't really know how to explain it, but sometimes, I just see that pain in people's lives. And a lot of times the people whose lives I see it in are the ones that seem to have it the most together. Sometimes I just interact with people and my heart just hurts for them and I don't even know why. I don't know how else to explain it, but I feel like I'm seeing them through God's eyes and I'm seeing the pain they have in their heart and soul and it just breaks my own heart. I guess that's why that picture spoke to me so much.

But then the other picture... The more I looked at it, the more it spoke to me. The picture was of a little girl standing at the ocean shore with her hands raised in the air. You couldn't see much but a whisp of her hair, her eyelashes and her tiny hands. At first all I saw was the act of childlike faith, the surrender, but then I started seeing more. I think I'm just going to type what I was jotting down as we did this exercise. It's short and choppy, but that's okay.

She's staring out into a vast expanse. She can't even begin to imagine what's out there. The waves are powerful. They come crashing towards her. It's beautiful. She can't control it. The waves move the things she can see around her. She recognizes that she's powerless. She can't do anything but stand there with her hands raised. and they're dirty.

This is when it hit me. The little girl's hands were covered in sand. To me, this little girl is me. She's standing there, at the edge of the ocean, looking out at this monstrous beauty that is so far out of her reach and so far out of her control. It's beautiful and perfect. It is ever changing, yet somehow always the same. She can see it in part, but she'll never fully grasp it's enormity. Sometimes she gets so focused on the big waves crashing at her feet that she forgets about the rest of the ocean. All she can do is stand there in the sand with her hands raised to the heavens, crying out to God.

She's still standing in the dirt. Her hands are covered with dirt. She's still in this crazy, messy world and she's still dirty. Yet, she's raising her hands up high.

Just like her, I'm still a sinner. I still mess up and I will continue to mess up until the day I die. I stand here, looking at my life and I can't understand it. The idea of my life just blows me away. It catches me off guard everytime I try to think about it. And sometimes, I just can't resist bending down to play in the sand, even when I know better. But all God asks is that I raise my hands in surrender to him; reaching out to Him and calling for my Daddy. That's all He asks. He wants me to raise my dirty hands.

How amazing is that? That's all it takes. Life becomes so simple, just like that photograph, if only I would raise my hands to Him.

so glad

2007-07-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

So Glad by Tree 63

I want to jump - I'm so scared
I want to swim - don't want to get wet
How do I get to You - what do I have to do?
I want to pray - I need sleep
Don't want to sow, I just want to reap
I know what You're going to say: there's something in the way
Will it ever end, this war inside me?

I'm just so glad
That when I can't, You can
And where I end
That's where You begin

I want to sing from my soul
I'm getting bored with rock 'n roll
All my childhood dreams, nothing but childish fantasies
Here I come - there I go
Maybe yes, possibly no
The Good Fight's a brawl - the winner gets it all
Bring it to and end, this war inside me

I'm just so glad
That when I can't, You can
And where I end
That's where You begin

Today hot, tomorrow cold
It's the oldest story that's ever been told
How do I get to You what do I have to do?
One day You'll end this war inside me

I'm just so glad
That when I can't, You can
And where I end
That's where You begin

the future

2007-07-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

The art of life is to live in the present moment,
and to make that moment as perfect as we can
by the realization that we are the instruments
and expressions of God himself.
-Emmet Fox

Well, I just got back from church and I was itching to blog all through church. It's amazing how much God speaks to me through this. I'll have some sort of abstract thought in my head, get on here and start typing and next thing I know, I have a lot of clarity on the subject. =)

The quote above is my new life quote. Actually, it's sorta what I've been thinking for a long time, but this is the first quote I've found that really sums up the feelings I have towards the future.

I have no plans for my future. I really, honestly don't. God has not shown me exactly where He wants me to go or what He wants me to do, but I get the feeling there's a lot in store for me and sometimes it freaks me out a little. I know God has bigger plans for me than just living here and teaching at my high school for the rest of my life. That is not the life He's got going for me. God has given me so much in my life, and I'm pretty sure it's not so that I can sit here on my butt and just enjoy it. My life has been relatively easy, I'm very aware of that, but you know the quote "to whom much is given, much is required"? Yeah, that quote freaks me out. God did not give me these talents, these circumstances, these people, these training opportunities for nothing. He has not placed me in positions where I could grow tremendously just for fun. There's something He wants me to do. I'm not the way I am today because of anything I've done. Everything that has happened to me thus far in my life that has helped me to grow to be the leader and the child of God that I am has been entirely out of my control. I've practically just been sitting here and God has been working in my life in extraordinary ways.

Sounds great right? But I know that He's doing it for a reason. I'm a weakling. There is no way I could have gotten to where I am on my own. There's no way I can do what He's calling me to do on my own. I would never be prepared for my future if God didn't take the reigns and run with it because I'm too lazy, stubborn, and doubtful to do anything. Yet, somehow, He works in me anyway.

Okay, I've gotten off topic a little..

The point is, I don't know what my future holds, so there is absolutely nothing I can DO right now to prepare for it. I don't know which books to read, I don't know what prayers to pray, I don't know which friends or make or which positions to take that would ideally prepare me best for whatever God has in mind. So instead... I just don't worry about the future. I live for today. My theory is that if I do exactly what God wants from me today, then tomorrow will be fine.

God's got much bigger dreams for me than I ever could have, but I don't know what they are. However, I'm convinced that if I can just live in a right relationship with God on a daily basis, that He will, step by step, reveal His plans for me and will prepare me for whatever is ahead.

So often in my life things happen to me that I just don't understand. They aren't necessarily bad things, but I just don't know where they are coming from. I've come to find though, that those situations usually end up coming in handy later on in a way I never could've dreamed. God's so much wiser than I am, so I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing.

I have no idea why my life is the way it is right now, but I just have to trust that He's got a purpose and a reason for all of this. As long as I hold up my end of the deal -which is continuing to grow in my relationship with God every single day and continuing to live each day like it's on purpose (yes, I stole that from Hitch)- then He'll take care of the rest.

It's a scary thing, but sometimes that's just the way it is. All I can control is what I'm doing right now, so that's what I've got to focus on. The end.

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will.
You can waste it or use it for good.
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever;
in its place is something that you have left behind
...let it be something good."
-- not sure =)

This blog reminds me of a song. I'm waiting for God to fulfill His purpose in me. At the moment, I don't know what that is or how to do it, so I'm just waiting on Him. However, while I'm waiting, I will walk in obedience. I will live my life according to Him. I will love Him and worship Him. If I can do that, He's gonna take care of the rest.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve you
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

- While I'm Waiting by John Waller

the little things

2007-06-22T19:12:00.000-05:00

Quote for the day:
Discernment is God's call to intercession, never to fault finding.
- Oswald Chambers

So... I'm feeling a blog coming on. =)

I'm so exhausted right now. AMPLE took a trip to the Carnegie Museum of Natural History today and I was a chaperone. It was fun, I'll give you that, but it was tiring. I ended up with a very hyperactive group that I just had to keep chasing around all over the place. It was a bit insane. The funny thing is, I really like this age group in a way. Today I realized that I never, ever want to go back to being that age again, and I don't know if I'd have enough patience to deal with that age group on a daily basis... but they are great to work with in short spurts like that. They are just so full of excitement. I had kids running up to me all the time telling me random little stories that had nothing to do with anything. They haven't quite developped the insecurity that keeps them from showing their excitement about the little things.

If only we could be like that as adults (gasp! I just called myself an adult!). When do we lose that? I may talk about how excited I am, and when something really fantastic happens it's written all over my face I'm sure, but at some point we just learn to control our excitement over the little things. At math camp two weeks ago I had a little girl come up to me just bursting with excitement that she was going to the pool that day. She'd been the day before and it wasn't like it was something new, but she was really excited and you could just see the excitement and energy bubbling over.

Why do we lose that? Why do we teach ourselves not to do it? Maybe the loss of our innocence is what does it. Maybe we're just not as excited anymore. I still love Christmas morning (for different reasons now) but I don't think I'll ever recapture that excitment that I felt when Iwas a kid. I sorta think that I've grown up and lost my interest in the simple stuff of being a kid and now it's the extravagant, deep stuff of God that excites me... And it's great that I can get excited about God in those ways, but why lose the simple stuff? All those material things are gifts from God. Is it really wrong to get excited about them? It's definitely wrong to rely on them for your source of joy or your source of excitement, but is it wrong to get excited when God blesses you with something as simple as a Christmas present or a day at the pool? We should be just bursting with excitement every day about everything, but somehow we just get used to everything and take it all for granted. I don't know about you, but when I have a great God moment, I just get excited about every little thing I do. It doesn't matter if it's a big deal or something that seems really important to the kingdom or it's just that I got to have ice cream after dinner, I just live the excitement.

I want to have the excitement of a kid again every single day.

Reminds me of a song... (of course lol) I don't know if it's written to be a song about God or not, but I found it on a Christian mix CD and it certainly fits well enough. =) I've loved this song from the moment I heard it years ago and it's still one of my theme songs.

Used to You by Jenn Weber

I get caught up in the good stuff
In the way You fill my life
Guess it's easy to forget
That every present has it's price
One week in the rain,
Maybe I'll appreciate the Sun
Your touch is so familiar
That I worry I'm not sensitive enough

I don't ever wanna get used to You
To make You a habit, end take You for granted
I won't let Your love grow old to me, cold to me
I've loved You so long
and I don't ever wanna get used to You

Any mystery is a thrill
Until You know just how it ends
Every first kiss leaves you dreaming
On the brink of new romance
You're so comfortable
Maybe I'm too casual with You
This time I'm so determined
To be thankful for the little things You do

You're the love that I'm living for
I love you, though I know you more
And every day I'll love you more, forever

Experience the excitement of a child again about the little stuff and don't feel guilty about it! =)

why?

2007-06-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

Random quote for the day that has nothing to do with the rest of the blog:

I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.
=)

Anyway...

I feel the need to blog, but I'm not exactly sure what's going to come out. Usually in this situation, one of two things happens. Either I have some great revelation and the following blog is amazing, OR I just ramble on and on and make no sense. Either way, I'm going to give it a shot.

This has been such a long week for me. Chrysalis was last weekend and then math camp was this week. Those two things are two of my absolutely favorite things to do and when I'm working with either one of them, I just feel like I'm exactly where God has called me and it's great. I just feel so alive. I've been restless for a long time and I've been itching to serve God like that and then finally I got the chance to do it, and... Well, I don't know... It was great. I love doing that stuff and I love being used by God, but in times like that... I should be focusing on God constantly and sometimes I tend to get so sold out to working for God that I forget to be sold out for God.

Reminds me of a quote by none other than Oswald Chambers:

“It is impossible to get exhausted in work for God. We get exhausted because we try to do God’s work in our own way.” -- Oswald Chambers

See.. I've been on this big kick the past six months about taking an intentional Sabbath. I realized that God really did mean it when he said to work for six days and rest on the seventh. I realized that these rules and commands that God has given us aren't because He wants to be some kind of crazy dictator, but because He loves us and He has given us the instructions on how to experience true joy in life. Taking the Sabbath isn't any different. I honestly cannot tell you how much better my life was these past six months and I know a lot of it comes back to that. Taking that day off from school work, from running around like a maniac, sometimes even from hanging out with my friends, to just spend some time getting rejuvenated with God has been so great. I would do that and the rest of my week just was great. And I was doing great with the Sabbath, I really was. And then here came the Chrysalis weekend, and on my Sabbath I was up until way late and by the end of the day I could barely move. Over the weekend I neglected to read one my devos and I didn't spend as much time in the Bible as I should have and I didn't finish reading the book I'm supposed to be reading for Lead team. I even didn't spend enough time in intentional, set apart prayer. Obviously doing Chapel is a major prayer experience, but it wasn't the same as my normal conversations with God. I still needed that.

And then Math Camp arrived. I had an excellent week, really I did. But again, throughout the week I ended up not getting enough sleep, until by Thursday night I only got an hour of sleep. I didn't spend nearly enough time in the Bible, I missed two of my devos and still have yet to read them and my prayer time for Thursday was about 5 minutes long, if that, compared to my normal 30 minutes... Not to mention I haven't worked out in over a week and until today I hadn't listened to any podcasts... It's just not been good. Maybe what I have still been doing is more than a lot of people do, but that really doesn't matter. I know what I need to do for me, and this past week and a half, I simply haven't done it.

So here I am at my maximum high for the action part of the Christian life tripod, but the other two have sunk tremendously. Why is that? The times when I am acting are the times when I need the other two the most. And the sad part is that I realize it even as I'm doing it. I knew all week long that I needed to take more time for God but I just couldn't find time to do it and even knowing how much it would hurt me, I passed up my JAM time to do other "more important" things.

Ugh, how I irritate myself sometimes. But there's no sense in bugging myself about the past. Today was much better. I listened to three podcasts today which was great and all of them were on exactly what I needed, then I went to gathering and heard Bekah's talk which pretty much was another smack me upside the head kinda talks. Funny how I got to hear it the exact week when I was having so much trouble with finding time to be in God's word and to pray... Coincidence? I don't think so.

I have had no problems all semester long with my reading and my praying, but I wasn't acting much. As soon as I started acting.. poof, everything else went down the drain. I've GOT to find a balance. I've got to get this thing figured out because I can't do this all the time. I want to be able to live like this and work like I have been and still be growing closer to God. I should be able to do both and I need to figure out how to make that happen.

I know that if I can get my spiritual life fixed internally, I'll be able to do the external with God's supernatural power and strength. As far as I'm concerned, reading and praying are essential to the working part. And although I do believe I was able to work quite effectively, I don't think I would be suffering as much right now if I had been able to keep the other two legs up. Luckily they were pretty strong to begin with, and God's been refilling me all day long. I just pray that I can keep it up.

I am helping with Project Ample the next two weeks and I'm hoping to get a chance to minister to some kids there, so pray for me that I'll be able to stick to my growth so that I can do some action effectively without totally exhausting myself again.

Guess that's all. God's been talking to me a lot about fear, a lot about trust, and a lot about confidence. But that's for another time.

“I have learnt that I am me, that I can do the things that, as one might put it, me can do, but I cannot do the things that me would like to do.” -- Oswald Chambers

I need God in my daily life if I ever expect to be useful to Him in any way, shape, or form. Period.

c l u m s y

2007-06-04T22:13:00.000-05:00

Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know me made it
And why do we worry about the future?
When every day will come just the way the Lord ordained it
- 8th Grade by Chris Rice

Hmm.. I'm in a blogging mood, but I'm gonna try to keep it short. Although I don't know if that's possible...

Today I gave blood, picked strawberries, and went out to eat with my family for my birthday. It was really nice getting to spend time with my family like that. We don't do it often, so it was nice. Plus, my dad got me Chris Rice's CD Short Term Memories and I really, really like it. I've completely rediscovered Chris Rice! Good stuff.

The quote up there pretty well sums things up for me right now. I love my life right now, really I do. But things are changing and when things change I get a little nervous. It amazes me how much my "emotions" (for lack of a better word) are changing so frequently. Friday I was in this sappy, love struck kind of mood, and then suddenly on Saturday I got all freaked out thinking about the future.

Then I came home and read my little devo from good ole Oswald and of course, God slapped me right in the face.

June 2, 2007 devo from My Utmost for His Highest: "If we are haunted by God, nothing else can get in, no cares, no tribulation, no anxieties.
We see now why Our Lord so emphasized the sin of worry.
How can we dare be so utterly unbelieving when God is round about us?"

I mean.. wow. God speaks to me through those devotions in amazing ways sometimes. The timing of those devotions have literally been life changing for me a few times.

Anyway.. it's pretty cool how God has been teaching me over the past few months. A lot of the things that I'm learning are things that I've always known, but never truly understood. However, I'm really learning what it means to worry and what it means not to worry and I'm beginning to understand how much worry can really be a sin.

Sometimes I get so scared of my future. I get so worried that I'm going to wake up one day ten years from now and I will have gotten myself into a terrible mess and will have made myself miserable without even realizing it. I worry that I will have gotten myself in so deep that I won't realize it before it's too late. I was talking to Amy about this on Saturday and even as I was telling her all this, I realize that something was not right in what I was saying.

Here's the thing. Yes, I may have some tendencies to screw up. Yes, I may have inherited some qualities from my parents that are going to make things a little difficult for me later on, but to worry about these things and to really believe that this is a possibility deflates all of God's power in my life. That's the one thing that I fail to take into consideration. God has plans for me and He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. Psalm 91: 11-12 says "For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone." And when I worry about my future, I'm completely forgetting about this. God wants to help me. He isn't out to get me. I will never be beyond His reach and beyond His grace. Even if I do completely screw up, my life will never be so ruined that He can't put his finger in the mix and heal me and make my life something wonderful. I will never be beyond his grasp.

"The climb to righteousness is steep, and though I may falter in my steps... I am never beyond God's reach."
- Rich Mullins

Funny how this thing that I said to somebody else keeps coming back to haunt me... "Don't take yourself so seriously! Don't think so highly of yourself that you think you actually have the power to ruin your life. If you think that you're strong enough to ruin your life single handedly, you're saying that God isn't strong enough to turn it back around after you've messed up." But it's true. If I really think that my future has the potential to be that grim, then I'm underestimating God's power. Period.

Things won't always be perfect and I know that, but I will always have His comfort. I'm never going to be good enough and I'm never going to be perfect enough and I'm never going to quit screwing up. I'm human. Period. All that I can really do is love Him and the rest is really out of my hands. Psalm 91:14 says "'Because he loves me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.'" It doesn't say because he does A, B, and C... all it says is that because he LOVES me and he acknowledges my name. That's what I have to do. I need to remember my place. I don't have the power to make my life something great, and I don't have the power to make it something terrible either. God is my maker. He is the only one that can really make my life anything, good or bad.

And that's what I've been learning. =)

I get so clumsy
I get so foolish
I get so stupid
And then I feel so useless
But You’re sayin’ You love me
And You’re still gonna hold me
And that You wanna be near me
‘Cause You’re makin’ me holy
You’re still makin’ me holy, yeah

From where I stand
Your holiness is up so high I can never reach it
My only hope is to fall on Jesus
- Clumsy by Chris Rice

pathetic

2007-05-31T19:54:00.000-05:00

Cojack by Relient K

Once apon a time I dreamt that you were mine. But I never expected that dream to come true. And now you're in my arms, and we're walking to your home. And all I can think about is you. Hey, do you have to go away just yet? Hey wait I think I really must confess that you looked really good last night. Last night. Last night. We talked about this thing that only God could bring into our lonely lives. And you and I've just seen we fit together perfectly. And now I'm doin' alright. Hey, do you have to go away just yet? Hey wait I think I really must confess that you looked really good last night. Last night. Last night. Last night. Last night. Last night. Last night.

I'm feeling pathetically sappy right now, just to warn you. =)

Life is good. School's been out for about two weeks and I've been fighting to come up with things to do with my time. I refuse to just sit around on my rear end all summer long. So, I've been coming up with things to do. It's amazing how good I feel about my day when I get things accomplished. I've been mowing grass, planting potatoes, cleaning my kitchen, scrubbing chairs, painting chairs, working on some stuff on the computer, and all kinds of other stuff. My goal each day has been to live freely and to live for God. It's hard to do that when the things that I get to do each day seem meaningless, but I've come to realize that it's not what I do each day that matters, it's why and how I do it. By doing all this random stuff at home, I'm serving both of my parents and rebuilding my relationships with them. Plus, doing all this stuff gives me time to think and time to listen.

I'm not much of one for dating or relationships and it's not something I'm completely accustomed to or comfortable with, but God's been giving me the time I need to figure everything out. Or mostly, to give me time to adjust to this. It's strange. I've never experienced this before. I thought I had, but I haven't. I thought I'd experienced the real thing before, but this is entirely different. I'm scared. I don't trust myself. I just want to do things God's way.

Right now, I know all I can do is be patient. I know that if nothing else, this entire situation so far has taught me to trust God and to rely on Him for everything. God has taken all control of this situation completely out of my hands and I have absolutely no choice but to trust him. So far, he's led me in the right direction. However, now He's teaching me patience. But here's what I've realized...

Patience is one of the fruits of the Spirit. There's really absolutely nothing I can DO to get patience and there is really nothing I can do to make this any easier on myself. But if I have God's Spirit in my life, I will have patience. And I can tell you that's true. The amount of patience and the amount of peace I have in my life at any given moment almost directly relates to how much I'm relying on God. It's amazing really. Whenever I start to experience that doubt and confusion, all I have to do is start talking to God, talking to Him about anything really, and suddenly, bam! those feelings are gone. I wake up every day and start off great with God. Then as the day progresses, sometimes I start to slip away. I let some little thought or some little doubt swim into my mind and suddenly, before I know it, it's like I've got this big cloud over my head. And for a little while I walk around and do things and wonder, why in the world do I feel this way? And then suddenly, it hits me. I realize I've taken control back or that I've given control to the wrong person, and I just need to turn things around. And as soon as I come to that realization and spend a little time with God, that cloud just vanishes. And then for the rest of the day I'm floating along on cloud 9. And it's getting better most days. Most days that cloud only lasts for a little while and then it's gone.   And slowly but surely I'm understanding what that cloud means and I'm realizing that it's the tension that I feel when my mind wants to go one way and God wants me to go another way.

Haha, I believe I said I was in a sappy mood, but that really wasn't very sappy was it?

Oh well. I miss him. Is that sappy enough for you? I don't like waiting and wondering, but at the same time I'm terrified of what it's going to be like once he's back for good.  Little visits every couple of weeks and a phone call here and there just aren't the same.  I don't know how I'll handle that either, but I guess we'll just deal with that when it gets here.

Right now, things are the way they are. God has brought me to this place for a reason. I know that what we've got between us is something special. It's different. And yes, of course it's always different when you start off something with a new person, but I can tell you that there's something here.  I have a peace about this situation (as long as I don't start letting my mind go crazy)
and I'm content. That's all I know. Where it's gonna go, how it's gonna get there, and when it's gonna get there I have no clue, but I know that what we've got right now is a good thing. God has a reason for us to be in this right now and even if it's not meant to last past next week, I know this is something that is supposed to be happening to me (and to him, lol). I have to quit worrying about the future and just trust God with my today and it'll be okay. It's hard, but it's good. And that's all that matters.

The end. =)

p.s. this quote pretty well sums up how i'm trying to go about things. God comes first.

"We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties." -Oswald Chambers

It's time to just believe

2007-05-24T15:42:00.001-05:00

This is a great song! I wanted to go through and bold/italicize parts that I like, but really, I just like the whole song. I'm growing up. Things are changing. Life is hard sometimes. Life is confusing sometimes. I have no idea how to do this "adult" thing and I have no idea how to do this relationship thing. I don't have a clue where God wants me to go in my life. I don't have a plan of attack for my future. All I know is that I need to go to school. I need to become a teacher. After I get there, I don't really know what else He wants me to do. When I try to picture my future, it's really hazy and I sorta freak out a little. Because the things that I sorta imagine myself doing in the future... I don't have any idea how I will be able to do them! I know I'm not capable of it on my own. God's really been humbling me a lot recently. He's been pointing out all my inadequacies and reminding me that I am totally incapable of doing life on my own. It sounds kinda depressing I guess, but it's not. It's just plain fact. I know I can't do it. I know I have weakness and flaws and that's just the way it is. But luckily, I don't have to do this on my own.

Luckily, I'm not just thrown out into this crazy world to figure everything out on my own. I've got God by my side to help me along the way. And really, I have been becoming more and more dependant on Him. I've gotten to the point where I know I can't do this. I need Him in my life and I need Him to tell me how to do this. I know I could do it on my own. Well, I could TRY to do it on my own. But I know I would completely screw it up. I want my life to be good. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy myself. And every time I try to take control back from God, that doesn't happen. It's taken me 19 years, but I really think that I'm finally really learning and understanding that I can't do this right. I've learned from experience that I am just not smart enough to do this on my own.

I desperately need God. He has been teaching me that over the past few months. And things haven't even been bad. I'm just realizing that I need Him. I don't know how else to put it. I know some of you don't quite get me on this, and that's okay. I don't really care. Maybe I sound crazy to you, but I know what I know. It's taken me a lot of thought and a huge process to get to this point in my life and I can tell you that I know what I believe and I know why I believe what I believe. God's there, whether you accept and believe it or not. And it's taken me a while to really get that, but I do now and my life is better because of it.

So anyway, this song here.. It's good. It just reminds me that I just need to keep moving forward. I can't be scared of the future or of what God's going to do with my life. Everything will work itself out. It's so hard to just trust God sometimes, but He's really not leaving me much choice right now. He's forcing me to be patient and He's forcing me to trust Him and sometimes it's kind of an uncomfortable place, but overall I know it's okay.

So yea... good song! =)

"We've Only Just Begun"
by Run Kid Run

You'll have your ups and downs
Don't let them push you out
Cause time is all you've got now

Go make the best of everything you want to be
With ambition pushing forward
Your dreams upon your shoulders

Though impossible it seems
It's time to just believe
From here on out you're just getting older
Pick up yourself you keep getting closer

Let's just get it started tonight
All you've ever wanted its in your eyes
Just let it take you where you want to go
Just let it tell you what you want to know

You've got your destination
Progress has now been made and you
Will see the way you've wanted it to be

We've only just begun
There's gold that lies in us
Your hesitation's held you long enough

Though impossible it seems
It's time to just believe
From here on out you're just getting older
Pick up yourself you keep getting closer

Let's just get it started tonight
All you've ever wanted its in your eyes
Just let it take you where you want to go
Just let it tell you what you want to know

The future holds a brighter day for you
You may ask yourself tonight
Is it out of reach, out of reach,
is it out of reach is it out of reach,
out of reach, or am I? or am I?

Let's just get it started tonight
All you've ever wanted its in your eyes
Just let it take you where you want to go
Just let it tell you what you want to know

Let's just get this started
(where you are tonight)
All you've ever wanted
(its in your eyes)
Just let it take you where you want to go
Just let it tell you what you want to know
Just let it take you where you want to go

2007-05-19T23:08:00.001-05:00

last one i promise!!!

this is probably what you want to tell me right now:

Relient K - Gibberish Lyrics

Arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford
Bida menti kosticated interserd
Thorphiliate stinded yilla billa zay
Wentora yate paravillintiniay, paravillintiniay

Dorga orpha dorga billa
Dorga orpha stifaleare
Dorga orpha dorga billa
Tonalation fonamere

Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking now.

If i had one wish
Well i don't know what id wish for
But if i had a million zillion wishes
I'd use one to let you know that gibberish is
Not an nice way to talk to all your

Mork swax ippen reeby yufftabar
Higged quillip ernigrade du wellinshar
Lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstabray
Venalido urp paravillintiniay, paravillintiniay

Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking
Stop talking gibberish or just stop talking now.

If i had one wish
Well i don't know what id wish for
But if i had a million zillion wishes
I'd use one to let you know that gibberish is
Not an nice way to talk to all your friends.

2007-05-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

ok, so i've already posted twice in the past 1o minutes... but i thought i'd post one more, just to post this song. it's where i got the title of my whole blog from actually. i like to call it my theme song. every time i hear it, i just want it to be about me.
ya know? i'd like to think that i'm authentic enough with everyone i meet that this
song can describe me. but who knows? ANYway... here it is...

Maybe You by BDA

She says she's just a girl
I think there's something more
She says You changed her world

And the smile on her face is a dead giveaway
And I just got to know

So won't you tell me
Is there something more to You
Maybe You could be the one for me
And turn my life into
Just what I need
Maybe You could save my soul
Maybe You could be my best friend, too
Maybe You

There's something in her eyes
Something behind her smile
She says You changed her life
Well maybe You or maybe not
All I want is what she's got
And I just got to know

Chorus

She says no one knows her like You do
She says she's nothing without You
And all I know is that I need You, too
Cause I can't see her without seeing You

2007-05-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

oh, i forgot.. Chris Rice song..

This is my goal.

The Power of a Moment by Chris Rice

What am I gonna be when I grow up?
How am I gonna make my mark in history?
And what are they gonna write about me when I’m gone?
These are the questions that shape the way I think about whatmatters
But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat
And my world’s too big to make a name for myself
And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?
Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters

You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment
In Your kingdom where the least is greatest
The weak are given strength and fools confound the wise

And forever brushes up against a moment’s time
Leaving impressions and drawing me into what really matters
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment

I get so distracted by my bigger schemes
Show me the importance of the simple things
Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
And a cup of cold water

You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of, the power of, the power of a moment.

2007-05-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

So Cassie inspired me... =) I have a feeling this is just going to be one of those things that I do for a little while and then forget about, but ya know... It seemed like a fun thing to do right now. Mostly because I should be going to bed, but for some reason I just can't muster the energy I need to get up and do that. Pretty pathetic when you're too lazy to go to bed huh?

Soo...

Today was my birthday. That was pretty cool. I am now officially 19. It was weird, because usually I'm at school on my birthday. In fact, I can't remember the last time I wasn't at school on my birthday, and I really just didn't know what to do. I'm not really into planning things for myself for my birthday and there were about a million and a half things going on today anyway.
However, today was perfect. I went to Bible study this morning and that was pretty cool. Brad, Amy, and Ashley prayed for me which was the best present they could've given me. Then I came home and found some roses waiting for me which pretty much made my day... =) Mom gave me a cookbook which also really excited me.. Sad I know, but I'm really beginning to like this cooking thing... So I went shopping with Mom and Michelle and had a good time with them. Then off to gathering which was great.

It was weird.. I really didn't get many presents at all, and I really just don't care. People keep asking me what I wanted, and I really just didn't want anything. I've got everything I could ever want and more. I got to spend a lot of time with a lot of people I really love, and honestly, that meant more to me than anything else could have. It's just nice to know people care. =) And I'm not just saying that to be corny... lol!

This has been a crazy week. I've done a lot of thinking. Probably more thinking than I should have really. I've been over analyzing situations in my life which I really just need to let be. I've learned a lot this week though. Mostly, I just need to chill out and have some faith. For some reason, I like to think that by thinking everything out in my head I can figure it out and that I can somehow control everything.. but that's just not how it goes. Am I being vague enough?

I'm impatient. I want to know right now what my future holds. I want God to just tell me exactly what is going to happen. It seems like it would make things so much easier, but I know that isn't how it works. The problem is, I know that where I'm at right now, in all parts of my life, is exactly where I'm supposed to be. BUT I keep getting impatient and looking forward to the future, wondering what's coming next and there's no way I'm ever going to know that. Sitting back and trusting God is hard some days. Of course, what other choice do I have? I can't see the future, and as much as I think I want to know, I know that if I somehow found the opportunity to see my future, I know I wouldn't take it. God's got a reason for me to be where I am right now and I just need to accept that.

Every single day this week I've learned something new about myself and every single day this week I've gotten to spend some quality time with someone that I have "neglected" over the past few months. I've reconnected with a bunch of old friends and gotten to spend a lot of time with my family and overall it's been a really great week.

However, I am kinda looking forward to next week.. =) But I'm trying really hard not to be. I want to just enjoy each day as it comes and quit worrying about tomorrow, or the day after that, or the next month, or year. I just want to be living for the day. Which reminds me of a Chris Rice song called the Power of a Moment. I'll post the lyrics at the bottom.

Ok, I'm done with my nice long philosophical-ness.

I ate a lot of food the last two days and I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. Ugh. I like music. I got a new shirt yesterday because Miranda was sorting through her clothes and was going to get rid of it, so I took it. I hate it that my new phone smears so easily. I think I might be taking an online class during the second semester of summer school. Speaking of school... I still sorta miss it. Well, I miss everybody, put it that way. It's weird not seeing everyone that I've seen on a daily basis for the past few months. I'm really excited that Pirates of the Caribbean is coming out this week. I still want to see Spiderman 3 and Shrek 3. I need to go to bed. I have church in the morning and I think I'm gonna be tired. These roses sitting beside me smell pretty nice. I got another new dress. I'm really excited that it's going to be nice next week. I think I've somewhat overcome my weather channel addiction, but not completely. At least I don't check it 6 times a day. I'm 19 now! I am rambling like crazy and it's time to stop.

Oh, and Boker tells me that I should tell some story about how unicorns killed my inner child... I'm not exactly sure my story telling abilities are that good or that creative, so I think I'm going to have to pass on that one. Haha!

How's this for my first post? Totally boring I'm sure. haha! That's okay though because nobody forced you to read it! =)